Hannah's great anxiety and vexation

Today I turned on the fertility monitor again. It's this nifty device that my husband's best friend and wife have let us borrow. They were planning on going to a Kansas City Fertility clinic, used this machine, and they were able to get pregnant. It just tracks your most fertile days through urine test stips, and keeps track of the information in a small computer inside.

My husband talked to me a day, albeit briefly, stating "I don't think we should go to the foster care seminar or worry about foster care or adoption right now." Yes, I realize I skipped over the whole fertility deal (as you can see in the blog) and I think it's because I find the whole thing terrifying. I know I am going to have to make more trips to the doctor (once the money is there) and then decide how far down the road to go.

Let's look at 1 Samuel 1:4-7 : "On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, thought the LORD had closed her womb. And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat."
1 Samuel 1:10 : "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly."

Now, I am thankful that I am not one of two wives. However, I think it is fascinating. Her husband loved her best, even though she was barren. Also, year after year, the other wife, Peninnah, would be cruel to Hannah for being barren. However, in this passage, it's clear that the LORD closed Hannah's womb. What did she do? She was distressed, and later in the chapter she says "I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation" (v. 16b)

What does this have to do with a fertility monitor? Well, I think I need to sit down and deal with this "anxiety and vexation" rather than just tossing everything aside. I haven't wanted to deal with it, I have just wanted something to do (ie, researching foster care and adoption) rather than praying about having a child of our own.

Now, God is sovereign. And He may decide otherwise. His hand controls power and might, and it is at His discretion that men are made great and given strength. He owns a thousand cattle on a thousand hills. Everything is His. I think the message I'm getting right now is I need to walk in this, pray about every step, and submit to my husband's leadership in this matter. So, the adoption thing is a good thing to research for now, but the item at hand is the same thing Hannah had to deal with. She went to God, went and prayed to the LORD, the One in control of her womb. May I be half the woman she was.

birthday trip?

I am unsure whether to do this or not on my birthday:

The decision to become a foster or adoptive parent is an important one. Kansas Children’s Service League currently offers a one-time orientation session throughout various communities in Kansas. The next orientation session in your area will be:

Thursday, March 2, 2006 at 6:00p

Kansas Children’s Service League

Topeka, Ks

You will require the support of friends and family members throughout this process. For this reason, we encourage you to bring any people upon whom you rely for support. Feel free to bring your children, parents, friends, members of your church family, or neighbors…anyone who will be helpful to you as you make this important decision.

Again, thank you for considering your home for a child needing a family. Please continually tell us how we can help you in this journey.

I think it would be a good idea to get more information, but not sure if I'm emotionally up for this right now.

oo! oo! another one on fertility!

Okay, here is another site on feritility. With all due respect to the website's authors, it's a little confusing the way it's written. I have been trying to find some type of support group deal, but I guess I'll just keep plugging on my own.

It's this nutty cycle! I am depressed about what we're going through, I eat, I gain weight, get more depressed because I've gained weight...

God is in control of all these things, and like all things, I must confess my sins and acknowledge that I am NOT in control. We all like to think if we do (A.) we're going to get (B.) Life doesn't always work that way. Joseph was sent as a slave, was jailed, and at the end of it his experience was used by God to save his family.

God is in charge. He's backed me into a corner, in a good way, where I see the only way through this is to turn to Him and Him alone.

definition of infertility

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within one year of unprotected intercourse (for a woman over 35, this time period is 6 months), or the inability to carry a child to live birth.

That quote is from Hannah's prayer ministries, I just was searching on the web for Christian sites that relate to infertility, birth control, ect., and came upon the site. The big question right now is, how far do you go down the path of infertility treatment? Obviously, losing weight and eating healthier is the first order of business, which makes sense regardless. I've had blood tests which show I don't have any diabetis or disease that would cause infertility. How much further down the path do you go?

I have been searching for an article from Christianity Today on birth control and infertility that I read a while back. I found part of the debates I was looking for on Think Christian blogs. I need to do some more searches.

Another funny moment: I never watch Regis and Kelly, but my husband and I caught just a part of it this morning. They had some guest on that had just adopted a baby. My husband suddenly said "Figures, they would talk about adoption on the show."

Draggin'

I am so tired! I have done overtime this past week, have been studying for exams and Bible studies. My husband and I are taking a Crown Financial Ministries course, we're studying Proverbs in our covenant grouop, I'm daily doing an online study relating to weight loss.
I have lost 7 pounds, in 14 days, which is exciting I suppose. I honestly am more excited about getting to know Jesus better and really depending upon Him when I'm anxious rather than eating cereal or pasta (the two foods I tend to binge on).

I'm stopping the adoption research for a while, there is a lot going on, and I really want to focus on eating healthier and exercising. I had to cancel my gym membership, but I've been walking at work on my lunch breaks. For my birthday, I think I'm going to ask for exercise dvds.

I am going to watch some olympics and then go to bed. It was a bad idea to work a 12 hour shift yesterday.

Oh! Got a bonus! Praise God! That will really help with the bills. Can't wait until next week when we get my paycheck and that bonus.

order of events

I have been posting a lot about adoption lately just as I'm beginning to do research. I'm trying to glean whatever I can for the future if it turns out we cannot have children. I'm just the type of person that is against most of the very invasive fertility treatments. I understand some people go that route, but I just don't see the need of spending that much money when there are kids out there without a family. Especially older kids, I have to remind myself: I have to get used to the idea that we most likely will not be able to adopt a baby because of the cost involved. Babies are easily and quickly adopted. What about the older kids? Shouldn't we focus our attention on them since they're more "difficult" to adopt? Especially the kids that aren't Caucasian?

First order of business: Crown Financial Ministries Bible Study. We are starting this Sunday at 7:00pm. This has been a rough few months with Donald being off work: we weren't prepared at all. I thank God that He's very gracious to us even though we mess up all the time. I pray He would be with us in this study. As He guides us in our finances and how to manage them with God's priorities, I pray He would guide us also in the adoption arena. And the moving into a bigger house arena. And the moving to a different town arena.

Second order of business: keeping with the setting captives free study on eating. I pray that I wouldn't use food to deal with my problems and I would turn to God and His word instead of binging on food. I pray that I would 'hunker down' and pray more! There is a lot going on in our lives that needs prayer. Maybe I should reorganize the list?

independent adoption

found this website that talks about independent adoption. For some reason, this website depressed me. I will need to blog on it later. It seems as if you are advertising yourself so a birth mother will pick you for their baby. Is that the way it feels when you go through the private adoption process?

Quote from the site:

Beginning Your Search

How does a birthmother find the potential adoptive family? She will seek out a family that matches her idea of a good life for her child. She may want the family to be close by if she is intending to have contact, or she may seek a family anywhere in the country. You will need to describe what you see as the right fit for a potential situation for your family, after seeking legal counsel.

definitions of adoptions

from adoption.com:

Private Adoption Agency: These licensed agencies can have a non-profit, not-for-profit or for-profit legal and tax status, and can be either general in their scope, or can develop an expertise and focus in a certain type of adoption, such as international adoptions, the adoption of foster children, or the adoption of children with special needs or those with a certain ethnic background.

International Adoptions: These adoptions involve children who were born in a country other than where the adoptive parents reside or are citizens, or who are citizens of a country other than where they live. These adoptions not only involve the normal state and federal laws that apply to all domestic adoptions, but they also are impacted by the laws of foreign countries and international treaties, but also require immigration approvals from the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service.

Home Study: A home study is sometimes called an "adoption study," and is a written report containing the findings of the social worker who has met on several occasions with the prospective adoptive parents, has visited their home, and who has investigated the health, medical, criminal, family and home background of the adoptive parents. If there are other individuals that are also living in the home of the adoptive parents, they will be interviewed and investigated, if necessary, by the social worker and included as part of the home study. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child, based on the criteria that have been established by state law.

Foster-Adoption: A child placement in which birth parents' rights have not yet been severed by the court or in which birth parents are appealing the court's decision but foster parents agree to adopt the child if/when parental rights are terminated. Social workers place the child with specially-trained foster-adopt parents who will work with the child during family reunification efforts but who will adopt the child if the child becomes available for adoption. The main reason for making such a placement is to spare the child another move.

Foster Care: Placing a child in the temporary care of a family other than its own as the result of problems or challenges that are taking place within the birth family, or while critical elements of an adoption are being completed.

Foster Children: Children that are in the legal guardianship or custody of a state, county, or private adoption or foster care agency, yet are cared for by foster parents in their own homes, under some kind of short-term or long-term foster care arrangement with the custodial agency. These children will generally remain in foster care until they are reunited with their parents, or until their parents voluntarily consent to their adoption by another family, or until the court involuntarily terminates or severs the parental right of their biological parents, so that they can become available to be adopted by another family. Therefore, the parental rights of the parents of these children may or may not have been terminated or severed, and the children may or may not be legally available for adoption.

Foster/Adoption Placements: A child is placed with the foster/adopt family before the parental rights of the birth parents have been legally terminated, so there is still a possibility that the child may eventually be reunited with his or her birth family. If the parental rights of the child's birth parents are terminated, the foster/adopt family will be given preference to adopt the child.

Domestic Adoption: An adoption that involves adoptive parents and a child that are citizens and residents of the United States.

basic requirements for foster care:

Requirements to become a foster parent vary from state to state, but this list covers the basics. Be sure to check with the Foster Care Specialist (or equivalent) in your state or province for detailed information.

• Be at least 21 years old.
• Have enough room (and beds) in your home for a foster child to sleep and keep his or her belongings.
• Live in a home that can meet basic fire, safety and sanitary standards.
• Be physically and emotionally capable of caring for children and have no alcohol or drug abuse problems.
• Be able to pass a criminal background check and have no substantiated record of abusing or neglecting children.
• Make enough money to provide for your own family, so you do not need to depend on the foster care reimbursement you receive from the state as income.

parts of an email on foster care adoption process:

If you are interested in adoption, please consider the following:

Over 80% of the children in Kansas waiting for a forever family are age 6 years or older. While we understand the desire of many families to have younger children, we are currently looking for families who want to open their homes to older children.

Please understand that participation in any of the preparation process is not a guarantee that your family will be selected to adopt a specific child. The team of professionals working with each child will make the selection that best meets the child’s needs.

The first step in both adoption and foster care is to complete a 30-hour training course called PS-MAPP (Partnering for Permanency and Safety-Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting). PS-MAPP prepares individuals and families for the foster care and adoption processes, while teaching attendees how to make an informed decision about becoming a resource parent.

The PS-MAPP program guides potential families through the issues they will face as resource parents. Through carefully designed activities, parents learn about the challenges and opportunities associated with fostering and adopting. The class uses both group and individual exercises to help parents decide if their expectations and abilities match the realities of fostering and adopting.

Have been out of it...

I haven't done as much research into adoption this week. Have been focused on a Bible study that deals with weight loss...lost 5 pounds last week so that was an added bonus.

I was thinking today how I always "do better" when there is some type of Bible Study involved in weight loss. It seems to me that proves that my weight problem is turning to food for emotional comfort. When I turn my attention away from food and onto God, I see results. When I try to use a "normal" weight loss program that just teaches me about eating better, I don't do as well.

I know what I am supposed to eat to eat healthily, but then I tend to crash and binge if I don't focus on something else.

God is sovereign over all these problems, whether it's money, or adoption, or infertility, or whatever. With talking from other women in Church or in Bible study, we need to realize it's always something. Someone may be praying fervently for a husband she may not get. Someone may lose a child or a grandchild in a horrible accident. Someone else may get pregnant when they're not expecting it, which causes stress. Someone else may be dealing with hurts from a spouse that's having an affair. Someone may have to care for their spouse as they are dying of cancer.

My troubles and trials are small drops in the bucket compared to what everyone else in the world deals with. (Or even just the little world of our church). Christ died for all of them, all the sins I've committed, all the sins that have been committed against me, all the sins that have been done against my brothers and sisters in Christ and all the sins we have committed against each other.

I get mopey and upset about things but in the scheme of it, God is sovereign and He won't give me more to handle than I am able to get through. Christ is on God's right hand interceding for me.