Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Hannah's great anxiety and vexation

Today I turned on the fertility monitor again. It's this nifty device that my husband's best friend and wife have let us borrow. They were planning on going to a Kansas City Fertility clinic, used this machine, and they were able to get pregnant. It just tracks your most fertile days through urine test stips, and keeps track of the information in a small computer inside.

My husband talked to me a day, albeit briefly, stating "I don't think we should go to the foster care seminar or worry about foster care or adoption right now." Yes, I realize I skipped over the whole fertility deal (as you can see in the blog) and I think it's because I find the whole thing terrifying. I know I am going to have to make more trips to the doctor (once the money is there) and then decide how far down the road to go.

Let's look at 1 Samuel 1:4-7 : "On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, thought the LORD had closed her womb. And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat."
1 Samuel 1:10 : "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly."

Now, I am thankful that I am not one of two wives. However, I think it is fascinating. Her husband loved her best, even though she was barren. Also, year after year, the other wife, Peninnah, would be cruel to Hannah for being barren. However, in this passage, it's clear that the LORD closed Hannah's womb. What did she do? She was distressed, and later in the chapter she says "I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation" (v. 16b)

What does this have to do with a fertility monitor? Well, I think I need to sit down and deal with this "anxiety and vexation" rather than just tossing everything aside. I haven't wanted to deal with it, I have just wanted something to do (ie, researching foster care and adoption) rather than praying about having a child of our own.

Now, God is sovereign. And He may decide otherwise. His hand controls power and might, and it is at His discretion that men are made great and given strength. He owns a thousand cattle on a thousand hills. Everything is His. I think the message I'm getting right now is I need to walk in this, pray about every step, and submit to my husband's leadership in this matter. So, the adoption thing is a good thing to research for now, but the item at hand is the same thing Hannah had to deal with. She went to God, went and prayed to the LORD, the One in control of her womb. May I be half the woman she was.


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