waiting

I hate having to count time in between my periods, and hoping every month that I'm pregnant.

My husband is working on getting another job, so hopefully that can lead to us buying a larger house. Then, we can start filling out home studies and work on the adoption process.

I am just tired of waiting and nothing happening, but it's just seems like all these "things" have to be in order before we can proceed with the next step.

So, things are on hold, just plugging along until the new job for my husband shows up. Then, if we aren't pregnant by then, I'm am sure we'll begin all the applications full force.

Still haven't decided what method of adoption: I'm enjoying reading others' blogs to see what their experiences have been like. I know none of them are easy, and I don't really know what I'm getting into until we're in the middle of it.

My love/hate relationship with food

Sometimes I eat because I'm honestly hungry and I enjoy what I'm eating. Sometimes I eat a lot of food for no good reason. I leave work at 11pm, and I have this bad habit of running through the drive-thru on the way home.

Am I hungry? No, just anxious and want something to calm me down.
I can drink 1 beer and be satisfied, I can keep away from smoking, I don't do drugs.
However, food is really hard for me to stay away from. I use it as a way to relax and feel better,
which I know isn't right.

Surprise birthday party for father-in-law

I am CRACKING UP. We are throwing my father-in-law a surprise birthday party in a couple of hours and right now he's on the phone with my husband. He thinks he's going to a 25th anniversary party for a family friend, and he's asking my hubby "Are you going to this anniversary party? We'd like to see you." And hubby is saying "I don't know if we were invited or not...you might see us there...we weren't told about it"

OH MY GOODNESS. This is TOO funny. I can't wait to see his face tonight at 5:30! I thought he would have a clue by now but I don't think he does.

AWESOME!

music--part deux

I am currently listening to India Arie, NPR Story of the day, Jem. Check 'em out!

quick post

my husband and I have begun looking at homes. I have no idea when we'll move (or be able to move) but we have been looking and doing some research.

I just keep thinking about "Oh, this house would have room for kids and a playroom" and it's just so funny to talk that way, to plan for kids and to try to find a home that would have enough room for kids.

It's exciting, but I hope we're not setting ourselves up for disappointment! More posts later...

why do i blog?

I was thinking today, why do I blog? Why do I like these blogs I read so much? (if you are reading this, check out the blogs/websites on my blogrolling...they are all note worthy)

I think the number one reason is a lot of my friends are not going through the infertility thing right now. I've gotten to talk to quite a few women from my church, but a lot of them are not in the midst of it, they have already gone through it and have already adopted or been able to have children naturally. I think it's a good way to hear people's perspetives, and to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly about parenting, especially through Foster Care.

My friend Gretchen said something to me today that made me laugh. Since there seems to be nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with my husband, she said "They need to get that figured out!" It just made me laugh because it's just so odd, there is nothing wrong, why can't they figure it out? We, as humans, think we are smart, but really, God is so AWESOME that He made all these parts to be able to produce a BABY. Sometimes, even when everything is all perfect and should work, it doesn't. God is in charge!

This is going to sound odd or cruel so please forgive me, especially if you've gone through this scenario: Sometimes I wish I HAD something in specific so some doctor would say "Nope, you can't get pregnant, adoption is it." There is still hope, the best thing for me to do is to keep exercising and continue to lose weight, but there is nothing that is pointing out that I can't get pregnant. No tumors or cysts, I ovulate, and everything is open, my cycles are normal, it's totally unexplainable. It's just weird, then...how do you decide to quit trying and then start adoption papers? I hate this waiting, but it's GOD's choice, not mine, and I need to submit to that.

So, here's the game plan: I am going to pray for my future kids. I remember back in college praying for my future husband, so I'm going to start praying for my future kids. Whether they end up being birthed by me or not, I feel strongly that we're going to be parents one day, either by adoption or by birth. We are going to continue to use the fertility monitor and try to stay on a TIGHT Schedule for 6-8 months, and I'm going to see if I can order some hormone cream my friend Jamie told me about. I would appreciate your prayers on this...I feel as if I'm getting old! We are also looking at buying a bigger home so we have room for kids, and living in that home for a LONG time. I would appreciate prayers and guidance on that. I'd been hoping to get a promotion to move to Illinois where all my friends and family are, but that isn't panning on right now, so we'll probably stay in Lawrence. But prayer for a RAISE so we'll have more money to pay for visits to Illinois would be great, and the opportunity for me to work from home is a possibility. Please pray that I would be faithful in prayer!

tough drive home from work

It's 1:22am here, so I will keep this short. I had a rough time driving home from work tonight. I periodically look on the foster care website to see what children in Kansas are up for adoption, and I looked at that site earlier this afternoon. It breaks my heart that there are kids that want parents and are looking for a "forever family." It also just really upsets me that there are foster parents that have to jump through so many hoops, and deal with false accusations (check out Dad's Highway). It just doesn't seem fair, kids are waiting for parents, parents are waiting for kids...why does it seem like this impossible task? All I think about is how much it costs, how much training you have to go through, how much paperwork, photos...I guess it comes down to trust and money. We are in a lot of student loan debt, and I'm mad, I just feel like we'll never make enough to pay off our debt, get ahead, and have enough left over to afford an adoption. I don't know where to even start. My husband wants to keep trying to conceive, but how long do you let this go on? Three years is a long stinking time. Do we just say "well, we can't afford to adopt, so forget it?" I guess my husband and I need to sit down and have another talk, and I guess I'm mad it's not easy, it's not a surprise. "Oh, look honey, two lines, we're going to have a baby." It's buying a certain house, saving up money, filling out paperwork, talking to lawyers and agencies and being DELIBERATE about everything. I'm praying if there are kids out there that are meant to be with us that God will open those doors wide. I feel very, very disheartened and angry. I feel as if since we don't have very much extra money every month that we aren't going to be able to have children because we can't afford it. I want to direct my energies at something, towards something, towards getting something accomplished. That's why I want a new house. A new house with room for children, so we can photograph the house, put this in a home study, which may someday allow us to adopt children. Why are we working so hard to pay off debt? so when some social worker looks at our finances they can see that we have enough to adopt a child.
I guess my heart feels torn between what I want and my pocketbook, and I feel sick that what I'm worrying about is being able to have a child.

So much for a short post. goodnight.