Sunday, August 06, 2006

tough drive home from work

It's 1:22am here, so I will keep this short. I had a rough time driving home from work tonight. I periodically look on the foster care website to see what children in Kansas are up for adoption, and I looked at that site earlier this afternoon. It breaks my heart that there are kids that want parents and are looking for a "forever family." It also just really upsets me that there are foster parents that have to jump through so many hoops, and deal with false accusations (check out Dad's Highway). It just doesn't seem fair, kids are waiting for parents, parents are waiting for kids...why does it seem like this impossible task? All I think about is how much it costs, how much training you have to go through, how much paperwork, photos...I guess it comes down to trust and money. We are in a lot of student loan debt, and I'm mad, I just feel like we'll never make enough to pay off our debt, get ahead, and have enough left over to afford an adoption. I don't know where to even start. My husband wants to keep trying to conceive, but how long do you let this go on? Three years is a long stinking time. Do we just say "well, we can't afford to adopt, so forget it?" I guess my husband and I need to sit down and have another talk, and I guess I'm mad it's not easy, it's not a surprise. "Oh, look honey, two lines, we're going to have a baby." It's buying a certain house, saving up money, filling out paperwork, talking to lawyers and agencies and being DELIBERATE about everything. I'm praying if there are kids out there that are meant to be with us that God will open those doors wide. I feel very, very disheartened and angry. I feel as if since we don't have very much extra money every month that we aren't going to be able to have children because we can't afford it. I want to direct my energies at something, towards something, towards getting something accomplished. That's why I want a new house. A new house with room for children, so we can photograph the house, put this in a home study, which may someday allow us to adopt children. Why are we working so hard to pay off debt? so when some social worker looks at our finances they can see that we have enough to adopt a child.
I guess my heart feels torn between what I want and my pocketbook, and I feel sick that what I'm worrying about is being able to have a child.

So much for a short post. goodnight.


At 4:18 PM, Blogger jazmin said...

hi, I enjoy reading your blog, I could related to you so much. I too have felt at the edge of the cliff at lot of times

I'm also 29, dealing with infertility, tried to start treatment but was told that, due to health conditions, they wouldn't consider treating me.

you see as if I didn't have my plate full already, last year I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes,hypertension, high cholesterol, and at the same time hit a very rough spot in my marriage of almost 8 years.

had to move, For the first time in 8 months I could finally sit back, and be amazed how god helped me thru all this. I had so many dark days, but I always know that he is there with me. and that's what keeps me going.

take care

At 8:44 PM, Blogger WyldJoker said...

Thanks for linking to my blog. It's really hard to make people understand that false accusations are almost an everyday occurance in foster care. No one is really safe from them and no matter how careful someone is, it could happen to them. I'd like to follow your story I hope you don't mind me adding your blog to my blogroll, but will wait until you say if it's ok or not.

At 9:30 AM, Blogger DramaQueen said...

Wyldjoker: I hope you don't mind that I referenced your blog! I guess I should have asked first! :) Yes, you can add me to your blogroll,

At 10:36 AM, Blogger WyldJoker said...

I don't mind at all. I always ask before I do something. I guess I'm old fashioned that way.


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