Tuesday, June 13, 2006

It's all me

Tests came back...thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don't have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)

Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it's a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it's frustrating that I've done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.

I suppose I'm projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking "Of course, she couldn't carry a child, she is far too fat!" I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I'm depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn't help, because I can't be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!

Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I'm doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it's just online. I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think it's kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.

I am really tired of this...I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn't bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I'm being judged all the time. I guess I'm disappointed that there isn't going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it's going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.

We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.

I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.


At 2:34 PM, Blogger JamieS said...

Oh Jessie - I can so relate to the "fat" issues. I project those same thoughts on myself all the time. And you know what? More than likely other people are NOT thinking those things about us! More than likely they don't give it a second thought. And surely not as much as you and I might. ;) I have thought similar things about people not liking me because I am fat. But you know what, if that is really why they don't like me, well that's between them and God - it's a sin on their part for being judgemental. If people are thinking that you can't get preggy because you're overweight, that is their sin issue - not your's! They are judging an area they don't have a right to judge. Now if you were living in sin and not repentant of it then yes, it would be their obligation to bring it up to you and help you overcome it by God's grace. But that is not the case. I see in your heart (and have been/am there too) repentance for the sin of gluttony and God is continuing to work on it in you (and me). God is good and gracious and will help you through this. He will give you the strength you need. Just keep pressing on sister!

At 6:53 AM, Blogger Tamara said...

I totally relate, hun. The weight definately now affects me more than the IF thing. Especially now with adoption on the horizon, I worry about the message I'll be sending to my daughter. I'm also fascinated about what direction the Weigh Down program took - I've only heard a tiny bit about it. Curious there as to what happened...
Are ya'll still considering fostering to adopt or straight-out adoption? I read your Mother's Day post - I do understand how you feel. It took quite a while for me to get off the roller coaster - but now we are doing what we are, we would never, ever go back to that dark place. It will happen for you - in your time and HIS time. You are going to make such a great mom - your heart is right.


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