It's all me

Tests came back...thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don't have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)

Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it's a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it's frustrating that I've done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.

I suppose I'm projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking "Of course, she couldn't carry a child, she is far too fat!" I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I'm depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn't help, because I can't be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!

Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I'm doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it's just online. I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think it's kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.

I am really tired of this...I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn't bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I'm being judged all the time. I guess I'm disappointed that there isn't going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it's going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.

We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.

I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.