Heart hurts

Last night I was laying in bed and I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of baby names. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. I was just thinking "what if we never get to use the names we've picked out for our children?" I guess we make our plans and we expect life to just instantly follow what we want to have happen.

Life doesn't work out the way we always want. I was talking to our friends that visited this weekend, and we discussed how we take our fertility for granted. We use birth control so we don't get pregnant and an inconvenient time, and then we expect instantly to have a baby when "the timing is right." Phooey on birth control. When you get married, babies are part of it. I think it's interesting the Catholic Church's stance on birth control as opposed to the Protestant Church's view. Both are against abortion, but the Catholic Church (and, forgive me, I need to do much more research on this) is much more conservative and stands up for life in a more aggressive way. Birth control by chemicals and barriers stops a life just like an abortion does.

I guess I feel like my husband and I wasted a couple years on birth control, waiting for the right time. Yes it would have been stressful getting pregnant when we were first married, but that's part of marriage. We shouldn't get to pick when we have kids. And, thus, I am not getting to pick right now. I am not in control. Every month that goes by I am reminded of that, that I am not the one who is in charge. I like to control my own destiny, but God is teaching me that I really don't have any control. His timing is His timing.

I am just having a hard time because I feel as if all of this is my fault, it's up to me to fix it, and it's so hard to explain how I feel. There are good days and there are bad days. I went to my appointment last week and I was just so mad at the doctor. They don't think I have a thyroid problem or a problem with cysts. All my blood work is coming back normal and I'm taking a test today for free cortisol (24 hour urine test.) I have no idea what the heck all this stuff is for. I am ready to start the adoption process as soon as possible, sometimes I think seeing all these doctors is stupid. Why do I even bother?