Saturday, December 31, 2005

nightmare #1

Clouds are sinking so low on the horizon it looks as if you could run straight into them. There is a wall of black in all directions, so thick it appears like smoke. Rain, sleet, hail...unsure what type of precipitation is falling.

West, straight west, there is a line of pine trees that was planted when I was young. It's only about a half mile from the Mississippi. Beyond the row of trees is where it always appears.

Ironically, my dream is always quiet. I dream in color, and I usually dream with loud sound effects and music.

When the tornado hits the ground, it isn't a wiry, small thin line of cloud. It's the entire sky, swallowing up the landscape, the pine trees, electric poles. It swallows it all upward, swirling, and I imagine the entire world is being swallowed by this large tornado.

Always, I am running, gathering animals; dogs, cats, horses, cattle. Yelling at my family to take cover in the storm shelter in the back of the old farmhouse.

Nevermind that the old farmhouse burnt down years ago, nor that my siblings are all in their twenties. They are always 10, 8, & 6 in my dreams. Sometimes younger. My parents are sometimes there, sometimes not. I'm always trying to gather up my siblings though.

Usually I wake up somewhere around the gathering. Unlike my other nightmare I always have (nightmare #2) I do not wake up in a panic. I wake up calm, because my dream was so quiet, even thought I was panicked inside.

Friday, December 30, 2005

new schedule and weight update

My new schedule is to go to the gym at noon, work out for 30-40 minutes, hit the steam room, then go to work at 1:30pm to be there by 2:30. Though I've left most days later than I would like, it's worked out pretty well.

My weight is at 278.00 I feel like punching someone. Namely, myself. I've been eating better, but I still want to eat a lot when I get home from work at 11pm. I honestly feel hungry.

I want to do some research on this.

I think my period is on it's way...
...remind me to blog about the nightmares I keep having. It's almost the same nightmare, changes slightly.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

bills make my brain hurt....

One of my girlfriends from church, Shawn B., has adopted 2 girls from China. I talked to her last summer about adoption and the infertility struggle. She suggested a website from Campus Crusade for Christ, called FamilyLife. I decided to take my friend Jamie's suggestion (she's so wise, even if she is a year younger than me :-D ) and seek people IN the church to help me with this struggle. I am going to ask Donald if we can pray with some elders after Church tomorrow.

The Weber family, who minister with FamilyLife, list 4 reasons misperceptions Christians have that keep them from adopting. [from their August 2005 newsletter]:
1. Adoption is a complicated process with confusing laws
2. I will not be able to love an adopted child like a biological child
3. I am afraid of problems adopted children may have down the road
4. Only people with about $20,000 in extra cash sitting around can actually adopt.

I must admit I have struggled with these same concerns. I am ready to look into adoption, and I am trying to gather all the resources and support I can. Unfortunately, an adopted baby isn't going to just "show up" on my doorstep: this will take deliberate planning and follow through.

Not having much money is an intimidating thought. As I'm going through our debts and our bills, it scares me to no end to think if we don't have enough money to support ourselves, how are we going to support a child??


I am downstairs, in the basement, sitting in front of my computer tackling stacks and stacks of bills. This drives me nuts. Whenever life is very difficult (ie my father is deathly ill) I can more easily turn to God. I know that I've got no where else to go. However, when the mundane problems....overeating issues....these things seem to pull me away from God. I think that I'm in charge and I should be able to just fix these things.

Where does my responsibility end? Where do I need to step up and where do I need to just let God take over? He is Sovereign, yet I am still supposed to live in such a way that honors Him, and not just float by letting things happen.

I have been in a foul mood for about a month. I am hoping I wake up and realize how important Jesus is and get my priorities straight.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Not pregnant what does church have to do with it?

I have been very upset the past couple days. Not weepy, just mad. Wanting to boot-kick my cats and punch my walls mad.

I started my period yesterday, and I really thought this time we might be pregnant. Now, I guess we get to start the doctor visits together and the checkouts and see what is going on with our bodies.

I don't think it's appropriate that my hubby is asking for money on his blog, but maybe I'll use mine to ask for a baby.

I've been very, very down. I'm getting worried about the things I'm thinking about. Between this and having to work a lot, I am very drained. I feel as if no one cares, even though I know that's a selfish, random thought.

Whenever I go through rough times, I always wonder where my church is. I guess that's just me being selfish, that I should consider how I can help and serve others. I feel like since I don't have cancer or I am not jobless I don't matter. I feel as if we're all alone in this infertility/weight/money issue, and since they're not 'serious' no one at the church pays attention. Is that what a church is for? Do I need to call them and say 'hey, I feel like running my car off the road?'
Would they even listen? I feel as if I email my pastors and they really don't seem to care to check up on us. Is that wrong for me to feel bitter and mad? Should we seek another church? Is it my problem because I don't seek out and check on others???