Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I wish there was a magic pill....

I really wish there was a magic pill for my weight and for money. I know that I get myself into a lot of my own problems, but I can never get out of them as easily as I get into them.

God promises to clothe and care for us...that we shouldn't worry about what we're going to wear, where we will live, money....we are more valuable than the birds of the air, yet our Heavenly Father feeds and clothes them. If God has already given us our most precious possession, His son, what else will He withhold?


Nothing, however, is what I feel like I have. Even though I don't spend my money on prostitutes and gambling, I buy fast food to help myself feel better. I run through a drive-in at 11pm at night because I'm stressed. I sometimes dream about running away and leaving all of my problems behind....but I can't. I'm here, my husband promises that he's with me through all this junk, and I know God's Word. Sometimes I feel as if I'm reaching out and there is Nothing.

We're having to pare down our life a lot. Since March, when I started at my new job, we let our spending get out of control. We've been poor our entire married life, and when we started to make a lot of money, I really overspent. I'm doing overtime every opportunity that comes up. I am going to miss the Old Fashioned Horse parade on Saturday so I can work. I am very tired, and I'm typing this on my lunch break, because I'm frustrated.

I want to get my hair done, my nails done, shop for clothes, get good coffee every morning, not have to budget or fret about what I'm spending. I sound like a spoiled child. I don't want to worry, but I do. I know worrying won't add a single moment to the rest of my life.

I hate these periods. When things aren't awful, but they're just bad enough I'm afraid I can see ourselves homeless. That one of these days the bank is going to pull up and take everything away because I've been such a bad person. I feel as if all of these money woes are my fault, and all I can do is keep working more and more to get myself out of the mess we're in.

I pray for guidance and wisdom in financial decisions. I pray that I would love God more than I love food and more than I love money and more than I love anyone else.

I have been moody, crying, nauseous, sore, mad, angry, happy, sleepy. If I am not pregnant, I sincerely wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I know that this life isn't as important as the life to come, but since I realized I had to give up piano lessons I've been wanting to kick someone in the head. I have also been really mad about the horse parade. These choices, however, are my fault. I need to be grounded or sent to my room, put my nose to the grindstone, and make up for all the dumb mistakes I've made this year.

Is this what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to dig myself out of my own mess? I know that I can't do anything on my own, that God knows what I'm going through, but at what point does He give up? At what point does He discipline me most severely because I've made my own mistakes, I've created my own problems. Does God have anything to do with things that are completely seemingly in my control, these things that I've done wrong?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

getting back to regular life

Well, it's always hard coming back from vacation....especially when work is absolutely nuts when you return!
Our time with Jamie & Jacob and family was very, very fun. (Though tiring!) It's neat the certain friends that you just instantly pick up where you left off without effort.

Yesterday, went to do weights at the gym. I weighed myself, 273. I have had some good eating days and bad eating days while I was at Jamie & Jacob's, but overall good days. I ate a lot of carrots, apples, and drank a lot of water.

I struggle when my blood sugar dips. I feel so crummy when it's low I can't even think. In order to combat that, I have to eat protein throughout the day, and a mix of fruits and veggies. For a long time I would eat meat only once a week, but to feel good, I really have to eat it more often.

I'm upset because our one cat India was gone all night in the freezing cold and she hasn't returned. I am worried that something happened to her.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

See the pretty pictures?!?!

My wonderful husband is being so kind as to add some artwork to my site to make it more personal. Also, I am planning on posting some type of podcast of my piano playing and song writing. Also, some sites are in the works for artwork as well.

I feel as if I've shoved myself full forward into the computer age!

Friday, November 18, 2005

My friend Jamie

I really enjoy Jamie's posts on her blog.... she has this wonderful quote on the end of all her emails as well...

The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in our culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture. -- Doug Phillips

As Donald and I struggle with infertility, the issue of children has been even more poignant. In our society as a whole, we want to be in control of when we have kids and when we don't have kids. I really think the article in Christianity Today about birth control that Jamie references in right on......

Can't wait to see her and her family next week!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Piano and the Artist in me

I find myself happiest when I am being an artist. my job is a Spanish Translator for Farmers Insurance. However, I have been so tickled this week by painting my kitchen and painting a mural in the bathroom of ivy. I miss working in theatre....I miss being a stage manager and staying up all night building imaginary houses.

We are going to visit my good friend Jamie and her family for Thanksgiving. They have four kids, all young, so that should be a lot of fun! Other friends of ours just had a baby girl on Saturday, so even though we haven't been able to have kids yet, there are lots of kids around us we can 'share.' Sometimes I really want to move back to Illinois to be closer to my college friends. Sometimes I can't bear the thought of leaving my church and my friends here. We will have to see....I know there is a Farmer's office in Aurora, illinois, and so I'm partially hoping that my job makes the decision for me.

Monday, November 07, 2005

successful day

Good day/weekend painting the house. Will write more later.