Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I wish there was a magic pill....

I really wish there was a magic pill for my weight and for money. I know that I get myself into a lot of my own problems, but I can never get out of them as easily as I get into them.

God promises to clothe and care for us...that we shouldn't worry about what we're going to wear, where we will live, money....we are more valuable than the birds of the air, yet our Heavenly Father feeds and clothes them. If God has already given us our most precious possession, His son, what else will He withhold?


Nothing, however, is what I feel like I have. Even though I don't spend my money on prostitutes and gambling, I buy fast food to help myself feel better. I run through a drive-in at 11pm at night because I'm stressed. I sometimes dream about running away and leaving all of my problems behind....but I can't. I'm here, my husband promises that he's with me through all this junk, and I know God's Word. Sometimes I feel as if I'm reaching out and there is Nothing.

We're having to pare down our life a lot. Since March, when I started at my new job, we let our spending get out of control. We've been poor our entire married life, and when we started to make a lot of money, I really overspent. I'm doing overtime every opportunity that comes up. I am going to miss the Old Fashioned Horse parade on Saturday so I can work. I am very tired, and I'm typing this on my lunch break, because I'm frustrated.

I want to get my hair done, my nails done, shop for clothes, get good coffee every morning, not have to budget or fret about what I'm spending. I sound like a spoiled child. I don't want to worry, but I do. I know worrying won't add a single moment to the rest of my life.

I hate these periods. When things aren't awful, but they're just bad enough I'm afraid I can see ourselves homeless. That one of these days the bank is going to pull up and take everything away because I've been such a bad person. I feel as if all of these money woes are my fault, and all I can do is keep working more and more to get myself out of the mess we're in.

I pray for guidance and wisdom in financial decisions. I pray that I would love God more than I love food and more than I love money and more than I love anyone else.

I have been moody, crying, nauseous, sore, mad, angry, happy, sleepy. If I am not pregnant, I sincerely wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I know that this life isn't as important as the life to come, but since I realized I had to give up piano lessons I've been wanting to kick someone in the head. I have also been really mad about the horse parade. These choices, however, are my fault. I need to be grounded or sent to my room, put my nose to the grindstone, and make up for all the dumb mistakes I've made this year.

Is this what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to dig myself out of my own mess? I know that I can't do anything on my own, that God knows what I'm going through, but at what point does He give up? At what point does He discipline me most severely because I've made my own mistakes, I've created my own problems. Does God have anything to do with things that are completely seemingly in my control, these things that I've done wrong?


At 8:34 PM, Blogger JamieS said...

"Yet even now," declares the Lord, "Return to me with all your heart, and with fasting and weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments and return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in loving kindness and relenting of evil. Joel 2:12-13

Oh Jessie, I have been where you are! I'm still there with a lot of things. I know how you feel. I have felt these feelings at different times in my married life and they are all so hard to deal with. The above Scripture was a turning point for me. Have you ever fasted? Oh how the discipline of fasting has drawn me closer to the Lord, and helped to begin to tear down the idol of food in my life. Also, please remember this verse:

So as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12

You are chosen of God - HOLY by the blood of Christ, beloved of God - His bride! Remember how God has changed your heart and cling to the good work He has begun in you and patientlyl wait and HOPE for the promise that He will complete the good work He has begun in you. Let those virtues reign in your heart sweet sister! I love you!

Walking In His Grace,


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