Sometimes I'm a monster

Sometimes with this whole infertility thing I am calm, cool, and collected. Take last weekend for example. Two members of our "covenant group" (like a Bible Study) are pregnant. Most of the night's conversation consisted of breast feeding. I enjoyed the conversation, I wasn't ready to cry, and I didn't say anything rude. One of the pregnant ladies at the beginning of the night asked me about how the adoption process was going, which was nice. I talked a little bit about how I feel badly because China says you can't adopt their children if you're overweight or on anti-depressents. I enjoyed listening to their mommy stories, and I didn't get mad and leave. I was quite amazed at God's grace to me, because that was a particularly hard thing to do, especially since my husband was not with me.

I skip that covenant group sometimes just because I can't handle being around people with kids, because inevitably the conversation turns to birth stories and pregnancy stories. Sometimes, I just want to scream at people and ask them what their problem is. One of my husband's friends, after he told him he was adopting, said "So, you've given up on having one of your own?" WHAT? You mean adopted kids won't be our own? Now, this friend has rubbed me the wrong way the whole time in this adoption process. When I first mentioned to him about adoption, (this was a year or two ago) he said "No, this is way too early for you to think about adoption, there is a lot of other things you need to do first before you adopt, there are lots of fertility clinics around." Okay, Master of my universe. I will get right on that, whatever you say.

So, with him, I'm already on edge, and I am always expecting nasty things to come out of his mouth as far as adoption. I really need to pray more, because whenever he says anything, the monster in me wants to come out and just lay it on him. It's as if he is the master of every adoption cliche that any of us have ever heard. Do you have any ideas for how to respond to this friend?

Friday I went to work and I was in a sassy mood. I have been pretty quiet about the adoption thing, only my husband's family and a few close friends know. I am tired of listening to other people talk about their pregnancies, how they can't sleep at night, and how they heard the baby's heart beat, etc. (I have one pregnant lady that sits by me and another that is friends with someone that is by me, so I hear them both talking all the time.) I want people to know we're going to be getting a baby in a year or maybe a little more! I told my boss, all my co-workers that we're going to start the adoption process once we get moved to Olathe. I asked my boss if it was okay for me to take a photo of myself at work for our home study, he said that was great. Cindy, the same teammate who said that I should adopt a Mexican baby so I could speak with it in Spanish, said "It's exciting. It's like you're expecting a baby but it's just a little different. You're doing it this way rather than getting pregnant." Man, I love that lady. She's only 22 or so but she has said some great things that have made me feel better.

Yep, I'm expecting. We're expecting. And if I need to listen to you tell me stories about breast feeding and how many hours you were in labor, you're going to get stories on paperwork and adoption milestones.

I don't feel like being quiet about this anymore! We're adopting!

emailed the lawyer!

I know it's the weekend, and the adoption lawyer wasn't in, so I went ahead and emailed her! I have been anxious all weekend, thinking about kids and babies....My husband told me that he was dreaming about babies last night as well. He dreamt that someone from work told him that they knew several moms that needed to give up their babies. I think it's been weighing heavily on our hearts and minds, especially around the holiday season.

I feel so much better doing something rather than just waiting. I blog because I want to talk to other women (and hubbies) who have been there, from all over. I don't feel so alone, and when I hear about moms and their kiddos it gives me hope to keep going and keep plugging away at this big mountain.

Isn't it strange, how weeks will go by, and you won't feel anxious and depressed about infertility, but sometimes it's like this unbearable weight that all you can think about? This week has felt like a ton of bricks. I hate it.

Someone near my cubicle at work is pregnant, so sometimes I hear all my coworkers asking her questions "when are you due, how are you feeling?" etc. I'm happy for people that are expecting, and I pray everything goes well, but I just can't be around pregnant people (which has always been hard at my church...since it's so large, there is always someone or multiple people I know that are pregnant).

Also, whenever groups of women get together, they, naturally, want to talk about children, childbirth, and they compare notes about who had the worst labor, the worst morning sickness, and how busy they are with their children. I just have to walk away from the discussion. I feel like Bridget Jones sometimes, in that scene where she is the only single person in a group of married people, and they look at her as if she is such a weirdo for not being married. I guess we all go through periods in our lives where we feel odd, left out, going through life at a little different pace than everyone else.

A co-worker didn't realize I was married, and she asked me how long I have been married. I answered "6 years in January." Then comes the inevitable question "So, are you guys not going to have kids or you don't want to have kids?" When she asked, it didn't hurt as much as it normally does when people ask me that question. I just said, happily and proudly, "No, we're going to adopt!" Then, she said something I thought was so cute. She's on my team, and all of us speak Spanish in our job. She said "You should adopt a little Mexican baby, there are so many in orphanages, then you can speak Spanish with it!" I didn't point out the fact that most babies don't speak...I just was so tickled that she was just happy for me, and then she said "Man, I would love to adopt kids, I need to get going on that, too! There are just so many kids that need good homes!"

So, if you seek any babies that speak Spanish that need good homes, you know who to refer them to!

direction

Last night we met with the couple, D. & K., who domestically adopted through an attorney in Kansas City.

After talking with them, and listening to their stories, we are really feeling as if domestic adoption through an attorney, rather than an agency, is the way we want to pursue adoption.

We will take some time to pray and talk more about it, but it feels good to at least have pinned something down.

I will wait until after the holidays to start some of this....It's been an emotional roller-coaster. Man!

feeling quiet

Saturday the 5k went well, I completed it in 55 minutes. (I took a short cut, and that's the time I would have had if I stuck with the group that finished at 55 minutes). So, I can only get better, right?

The adoption meeting was tough, I just feel so tired and upset by the whole thing. We've decided on domestic adoption, we're still looking for an adoption agency. I'm going to be calling a few and seeing if we can start the paperwork now before we move, or if it would really make it easier to start it all when we move to Olathe.

Honestly, I am just tired of this cycle of 1) waiting 2) hoping 3) being disappointed. I would rather be working towards something. We know we're not doing any more fertility treatment, and I am just tired of hoping something magical will happen. Maybe it will, who knows!

So, we have a lot of packets from various agencies...I'm talking to someone from church to see if she knows anyone who has adopted domestically, as a lot of folks in our church have adopted internationally. I am sure a lot of the processes are the same, but it would be good to get recommendations on what to look for in agencies.

Anyone have any suggestions?