crying

I've been crying a lot and just feel super-stressed out with all these appointments, paperwork, etc.

We're taking a break. I had a complete meltdown on my way to work today.

Ironically enough, what helped me feel better was some Waterdeep. Fit my mood today, I can't remember the name of the song that really got me. (How high and how deep is your love o Lord?)

It's all me

Tests came back...thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don't have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)

Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it's a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it's frustrating that I've done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.

I suppose I'm projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking "Of course, she couldn't carry a child, she is far too fat!" I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I'm depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn't help, because I can't be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!

Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I'm doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it's just online. I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think it's kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.

I am really tired of this...I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn't bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I'm being judged all the time. I guess I'm disappointed that there isn't going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it's going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.

We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.

I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.

Naturopathic Doctor

I went yesterday and I had a first appointment with a Licensed naturopathic doctor. There is an interesting transcript from a PBS show featuring Dr. Medhi Khosh As the transcript states, naturopathic doctors are primarily trained in acupuncture, homeopathy and other natural healing techniques.

A friend had recommended him to me in November, but on a whim I made a last minute appointment yesterday (since I was off work.) I didn't talk to my husband about it first (but I did tell him under diress afterwards). I just set an appointment on the spur of the moment because I was afraid he would think I was nuts. I was just so upset the endocrinologist didn't call me back with my results, and all my results are coming back normal, I just decided "to heck with western medicine! phooey on you!" That's my new word when I feel like cussing lately: "Phooey"

What he is suggesting is tomorrow I come in for fasting blood work, after that he will read the results and check my hormone levels. If they are out of balance, he will give me Chinese herbs to balance the hormones and use acupuncture. I'm not afraid of needles, but I'm also not extrememely excited about that part. My husband will be going with me on Tuesday for the blood test results and the next step.

He did say that 33 out of 34 women that have seen him for infertility were able to conceive; the only one that wasn't was 49 years old! (Can you imagine having a baby at 49?) So, I guess this is worth it, though I am honestly a little leary. Very nice gentleman and he's been the one that's just sat and listened to me for a few minutes, so that was great.
First appointment was $135.00 out of pocket! (yipes!) But, I guess it's better than just taking a bunch of tests for people to say "everything's normal." I'll have to submit it to my medical savings account and see if they'll pay for it.

My husband sent in his "stuff" today to the hospital to be tested just in case that's the problem. We should hear on that in a couple of days.

I am feeling a lot better today. I guess I just want an answer one way or the other, and I want my husband and I to be on the same page about adoption. I think my husband really wants us to have our own baby more than I do, which I think is odd. I would, of course, love to birth a baby, but I just want a baby, or a child, and I really don't care how it gets here, adoption or naturally. I know we won't be perfect parents, but I know God is sovereign over all these things and He will help us through it.

Heart hurts

Last night I was laying in bed and I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of baby names. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. I was just thinking "what if we never get to use the names we've picked out for our children?" I guess we make our plans and we expect life to just instantly follow what we want to have happen.

Life doesn't work out the way we always want. I was talking to our friends that visited this weekend, and we discussed how we take our fertility for granted. We use birth control so we don't get pregnant and an inconvenient time, and then we expect instantly to have a baby when "the timing is right." Phooey on birth control. When you get married, babies are part of it. I think it's interesting the Catholic Church's stance on birth control as opposed to the Protestant Church's view. Both are against abortion, but the Catholic Church (and, forgive me, I need to do much more research on this) is much more conservative and stands up for life in a more aggressive way. Birth control by chemicals and barriers stops a life just like an abortion does.

I guess I feel like my husband and I wasted a couple years on birth control, waiting for the right time. Yes it would have been stressful getting pregnant when we were first married, but that's part of marriage. We shouldn't get to pick when we have kids. And, thus, I am not getting to pick right now. I am not in control. Every month that goes by I am reminded of that, that I am not the one who is in charge. I like to control my own destiny, but God is teaching me that I really don't have any control. His timing is His timing.

I am just having a hard time because I feel as if all of this is my fault, it's up to me to fix it, and it's so hard to explain how I feel. There are good days and there are bad days. I went to my appointment last week and I was just so mad at the doctor. They don't think I have a thyroid problem or a problem with cysts. All my blood work is coming back normal and I'm taking a test today for free cortisol (24 hour urine test.) I have no idea what the heck all this stuff is for. I am ready to start the adoption process as soon as possible, sometimes I think seeing all these doctors is stupid. Why do I even bother?