Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Why is it that girls always use suicide attempts to gain attention? To cry out? Why do we feel so desperate that we think the only way to live is to threaten to end our own lives? What is it that makes us act so?

It's like watching someone drown and you have no idea how to swim. You want to hit them because they put themselves in the water, without a life-jacket, in the middle of winter. They make half-hearted attempts to get back to shore, then decide it's best to just slowly die out in the middle of the water.

There is something wrong here when one makes plans to end their own life. Why did she send an email warning us about it? What kept her from just doing it, even though the stool, the noose, everything was ready. She worries about how her room mate will react to knowing how she was in the mental hospital. How would her room mate react to someone's body hanging from a pillar in the garage?

I am struck by a morbid curiousity. Where did she look up how to tie a noose? How to hang oneself? Once she stepped off the stool, would she regret it? Air hunger is an awful, awful thing. Her body, her mind, her soul would fight against death. Cold, dark, alone. What would her cat do? Would he know what was going on?

What is it about girls that cry out so? Have I been a bad friend by not paying attention? Why didn't I see this coming?

All the furniture in the mental hospital has rounded edges. I couldn't give her a spiral notebook. No artwork anywhere. Bare. A living room with a bunch of crazy people sitting around tables.

I am going to re-read the Snake Pit.