Old blogs for your reading fun

Tuesday, March 15, 2005
change of address
I have changed the address of my blog so it is private and harder to find for people. Let's see if it works. I feel it was a mistake to let my sister know where my blog is; I think there is too much baggage. I won't post about her again. I will just be posting my eating and depression issues.

I need to go to bed!
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 10:14 PM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
here in indiana
I am here in Indiana with my in-laws. It was a spur of the moment decision. Right now I'm working on Spanish vocabulary words and homework. I feel as if I'm back in college.

My new job starts next Monday. That should be good.

I have eaten pretty well today. We went out for brunch and I have been so full I haven't wanted to eat the rest of the day.

It should be a better week.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 6:34 PM
Monday, March 07, 2005
Hard Day
Got a rough email from a family member today. I feel that she's right about some things and wrong about others. She may be reading this right now thinking I'm totally full of shit. I give up.
I've been cussing a lot lately. Not wanting to eat meat. I want to play the piano like Tori Amos.
I think sometimes I want to be my sister, and that's why I get so mad about it when she treats me like I'm a disease.
I really hate it that everything I do is wrong. That I'm always apologizing for my behavior. That if I reach out and try to be nice, I'm being fake. That if I ignore people, I'm a bitch.
I got an email that just said happy birthday that was it. No subject. No ellaboration.
I am not reading perdita's web log anymore. Too depressing. I have to concentrate on myself and all that. Time to move forward.
I have lost 6 pounds because I have been too stressed to eat the past couple of days. Just coffee.
My husband really wants to have kids. I think I have changed my mind.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 11:31 PM | 4 comments
Thursday, March 03, 2005
me, the busybody
I got a new job on Tuesday! What a great birthday present! I will be translating from spanish into english for Farmer's Insurance. I am VERY excited. It will be more than twice as much as I'm making now.
We will be putting a lot of this new income towards our student loan debt; I just talked with them today and made arrangements about repayment.

I have been so happy the whole week! I don't start until March 21st with training. I really, really wish I started sooner, but I need the time to practice spanish, especially verbs about driving and such. I'm going to be listening to a lot of spanish radio stations!

Eating has been better since I've been really happy; exercise has been a little tougher. I've gone probably twice to three times a week, not the daily regimine I've wanted. Once my training is over, probably May 1st, I will begin a 9am-5:30pm Thursday through Monday schedule. So I would have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off to run errands, get car repairs done, etc. The only thing that is bothering me is that I want Sunday mornings off to go to church. I am not sure how to work that out, because the call center is open 365 days a year almost. I will pray that something can be worked out that I can go to church and not have to work late nights.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 11:19 AM | 0 comments
Friday, February 25, 2005
Praying for a new job!
I haven't written in a while because I've been busy applying for a new job. I have an interview on Monday. I am turning in my notice to my job today if I get a large enough offer for a part time job. Since I currently make $7.75, at this part time job I would at least make $8.50.

The spanish translation job at Farmer's Insurance would start out at $11 per hour, and then when my probation period is over it would be $14.41. That's fine by me! It would be great work to use my spanish degree and at least be able to move up in a company and get some translation experience. They have a call center in Aurora, Illinois, so moving to Chicago could be feasible.

Yesterday I got training in Mandt restraints for my current job. We discussed the Tracy Latimer case. This is very, very said because parents who kill "normal" children are immediately jailed for life sentences without question. But when a child has any type of disability they can defend a "mercy killing." Disgusting.

posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 11:46 AM | 0 comments
Thursday, February 10, 2005
odd dream
Not that this has much to do with this blog, but I had an interesting dream last night. I and a bunch of people were staying in Donald Trump's house. He had huge tables set up with gold dishes, table decoratings, and grand pianos. Then, other rooms were filled with groceries; things like macaroni and cheese, pasta sauce, canned tuna. In another room there was a dirty garage. My husband was there, but we didn't really talk to each other. There were so many people it was like a summer camp.

Another section of the dream I was in my Grandmother Jergins's house. I was looking outside into her backyard. I was talking on the phone to a man (age 37) who was in the war in Iraq. Some friends and I were watching a TV show that had this soldier going through a cemetary. We talked and he seemed to like me. We went through a lot of conversations and he told me about the war, and then he told me that he thought he was in love with me. He said that he couldn't break up with his girlfriend Jennifer; he couldn't do that to her. I asked him if he could marry her, and he said "yes." I told him that it was great for Jennifer that her boyfriend would be so upfront with women and tell them about her; that must make her feel secure. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, and that he was an honorable man, and I wished him luck. Then I hung up on him.

Next, Donald Trump was back. With his comb-over blowing around. Overalls on, and a beard.
End Dream.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 8:30 AM | 0 comments
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Crazy, snowy day
Well, this week has been highly eventful. On Monday I turned in a grievance notice via email about the house manager I work with. It was hard to do, but I was frustrated. I did a lot of his paperwork last Thursday and a lot of the work around the house. Also, I got called in to work this weekend at a very challenging group home with three folks; two of which are completely nonverbal and one whom is only marginally verbal. It was frustrating because the house I usually work at, let's call it 110 House, had a staff there named R. that told the on-call manager I had to work at 110 to pack lunches and cook food for the week. I found this really frustrating because I had cooked a lot of meals on Thursday and put them in the freezer for lunches. Over the weekend, the staff didn't cook anything. R. & the other staff S. just gave the consumers the meals I'd made all weekend that were meant for consumers. All the vegetables I'd bought the week before hadn't gotten used; the only vegetables that get used are the ones that I cook with. Last night, the consumers told me they had chicken nuggets on Monday night. Last night, I made tofu and beef taco casserole. The guys don't mind tofu if it's mixed in with other things; it's a great, low sodium, low fat protein. They also eat tons and tons of vegetables if I put them out on the table for them to snack on while I'm preparing dinner. They are a great group of guys, and it's just frustrating that a lot of things just don't get done very well when I'm not there. I'm having a meeting with my supervisor, the HR person, and the head of my department on Friday morning. However, last night the staff, J., that I was complaining about wasn't there. My supervisor didn't explain why he wasn't there. She just asked if I would work the whole night and give meds, and I had another staff to assist me. I am curious if I will have to work with that staff on Thursday, or if he's on some type of suspension. I know that he's been verbally warned and written up before for various things from other staff complaints.
Well, last night I worked until about 10, and then came in this morning at 7am to drive the van to the workshop. It was so, so snowy and icy I didn't want the regular overnight staff to have to drive in it. I am glad I did; I slid around a lot and so did a lot of other drivers. I'm used to driving on snow and ice from living in northern Illinois.
I have been eating okay. Last night I ate a bunch of cookies and waffles because I didn't eat dinner because I was too busy. I didn't drink much water yesterday and my throat is really dry. I am going to work out at the gym, shower, and then go back to work for some training in First Aid. I'm going to take a nap later or go to bed early. Tomorrow I have a CT scan for my sinuses, and I meet with my counselor, and then I work again. I have been sporadic in taking my vitamins, some days I don't, some days I do, but I've never missed taking my zoloft or lamictal. Overall I'm doing better, but I need to develop a consistent schedule as far as housecleaning, errands, working out, and painting go. My work schedule is sporadic, and I think that's affecting the rest of my day. I wonder if it would be better for me to become a manager of a residential home so I'm working some every day at the same time. I'll have to see what happens with the manager and my position on Friday.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Praying for a new job!
I haven't written in a while because I've been busy applying for a new job. I have an interview on Monday. I am turning in my notice to my job today if I get a large enough offer for a part time job. Since I currently make $7.75, at this part time job I would at least make $8.50.

The spanish translation job at Farmer's Insurance would start out at $11 per hour, and then when my probation period is over it would be $14.41. That's fine by me! It would be great work to use my spanish degree and at least be able to move up in a company and get some translation experience. They have a call center in Aurora, Illinois, so moving to Chicago could be feasible.

Yesterday I got training in Mandt restraints for my current job. We discussed the Tracy Latimer case. This is very, very said because parents who kill "normal" children are immediately jailed for life sentences without question. But when a child has any type of disability they can defend a "mercy killing." Disgusting.

posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 11:46 AM | 0 comments
Thursday, February 10, 2005
odd dream
Not that this has much to do with this blog, but I had an interesting dream last night. I and a bunch of people were staying in Donald Trump's house. He had huge tables set up with gold dishes, table decoratings, and grand pianos. Then, other rooms were filled with groceries; things like macaroni and cheese, pasta sauce, canned tuna. In another room there was a dirty garage. My husband was there, but we didn't really talk to each other. There were so many people it was like a summer camp.

Another section of the dream I was in my Grandmother Jergins's house. I was looking outside into her backyard. I was talking on the phone to a man (age 37) who was in the war in Iraq. Some friends and I were watching a TV show that had this soldier going through a cemetary. We talked and he seemed to like me. We went through a lot of conversations and he told me about the war, and then he told me that he thought he was in love with me. He said that he couldn't break up with his girlfriend Jennifer; he couldn't do that to her. I asked him if he could marry her, and he said "yes." I told him that it was great for Jennifer that her boyfriend would be so upfront with women and tell them about her; that must make her feel secure. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore, and that he was an honorable man, and I wished him luck. Then I hung up on him.

Next, Donald Trump was back. With his comb-over blowing around. Overalls on, and a beard.
End Dream.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 8:30 AM | 0 comments
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Crazy, snowy day
Well, this week has been highly eventful. On Monday I turned in a grievance notice via email about the house manager I work with. It was hard to do, but I was frustrated. I did a lot of his paperwork last Thursday and a lot of the work around the house. Also, I got called in to work this weekend at a very challenging group home with three folks; two of which are completely nonverbal and one whom is only marginally verbal. It was frustrating because the house I usually work at, let's call it 110 House, had a staff there named R. that told the on-call manager I had to work at 110 to pack lunches and cook food for the week. I found this really frustrating because I had cooked a lot of meals on Thursday and put them in the freezer for lunches. Over the weekend, the staff didn't cook anything. R. & the other staff S. just gave the consumers the meals I'd made all weekend that were meant for consumers. All the vegetables I'd bought the week before hadn't gotten used; the only vegetables that get used are the ones that I cook with. Last night, the consumers told me they had chicken nuggets on Monday night. Last night, I made tofu and beef taco casserole. The guys don't mind tofu if it's mixed in with other things; it's a great, low sodium, low fat protein. They also eat tons and tons of vegetables if I put them out on the table for them to snack on while I'm preparing dinner. They are a great group of guys, and it's just frustrating that a lot of things just don't get done very well when I'm not there. I'm having a meeting with my supervisor, the HR person, and the head of my department on Friday morning. However, last night the staff, J., that I was complaining about wasn't there. My supervisor didn't explain why he wasn't there. She just asked if I would work the whole night and give meds, and I had another staff to assist me. I am curious if I will have to work with that staff on Thursday, or if he's on some type of suspension. I know that he's been verbally warned and written up before for various things from other staff complaints.
Well, last night I worked until about 10, and then came in this morning at 7am to drive the van to the workshop. It was so, so snowy and icy I didn't want the regular overnight staff to have to drive in it. I am glad I did; I slid around a lot and so did a lot of other drivers. I'm used to driving on snow and ice from living in northern Illinois.
I have been eating okay. Last night I ate a bunch of cookies and waffles because I didn't eat dinner because I was too busy. I didn't drink much water yesterday and my throat is really dry. I am going to work out at the gym, shower, and then go back to work for some training in First Aid. I'm going to take a nap later or go to bed early. Tomorrow I have a CT scan for my sinuses, and I meet with my counselor, and then I work again. I have been sporadic in taking my vitamins, some days I don't, some days I do, but I've never missed taking my zoloft or lamictal. Overall I'm doing better, but I need to develop a consistent schedule as far as housecleaning, errands, working out, and painting go. My work schedule is sporadic, and I think that's affecting the rest of my day. I wonder if it would be better for me to become a manager of a residential home so I'm working some every day at the same time. I'll have to see what happens with the manager and my position on Friday.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 10:14 AM | 0 comments
Thursday, February 03, 2005
changes, changes
I wanted to blog really quickly before I had to leave for work. I went to the gym today and got a "base fit" from J.(my personal trainer) Every time I come to the gym I fill out the chart with what I've done and then I put it in J.'s mailbox so she can keep track of how I'm doing. I'm very excited about this accountability. J. has also struggled with bulemia; she confessed how she doesn't keep cereal in her house because she can eat a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch at one sitting. I have done that before with that particular cereal, so I think God was just showing me that other people struggle. Even thin, in shape people have their weak points and their struggles.

I weighed myself at the gym because I didn't have time to run to the doctor. Weighed 250.5 on their scale. I have felt like I've lost weight, however; I feel better and a few clothes are looser, so we'll just have to see what it says next week.

Have been eating well. Yesterday I had a break through moment. Every Wednesday co-workers go out together. Usually, I eat very, very fast and am the first one finished. I was talking with everyone and listening to stories, and suddenly I realized that I was the last one done! I really enjoyed my food, but I wanted to talk and socialize more. Now, I'm just waiting for my materials from Thin Within. I can't wait to get started on the Bible Study.

I am praying for either a raise or for more hours at work. I want to be financially responsible, and I think working a lot and paying off loans is the way to do it. That way, if my husband wants to go to Seminary, he will be able to. I must continue to give God the priority. I haven't read scripture again today; I'm so behind on my read through for the year. But I am encouraged by how everything is coming together in the eating and exercise part of my life. I know I will always be struggling, but the medicine really takes the edge off the anxiety and sorrow.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 3:34 PM | 0 comments
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Better and Hopeful day
Bible Study: been thinking about Jesus, but not reading scripture. Too anxious
Mood: Very, very up and down. Crying this morning and last night about having to go to work today. Went anyway, and did a ton of house errands. Worried about a meeting with my boss tomorrow; I am doing half of the house manager's job, but not being paid for it. I don't know if me always being disatisfied with work is a mood thing, or if I'm in the wrong profession. Felt like I was able to focus more than I have in a long time. Frustrated with some work things, but not suicidal or wanting to run away.
Food:Even though I wasn't hungry I ate a bowl of cheerios w/ splenda very quickly in front of the computer. For lunch, my stomach growled, so I made some fruit smoothies; drank 16 oz. and put another 16 oz. in the freezer. This really kept me from crashing! For dinner, I ate some mexican casserole and fruit. I really need to find a good protein powder to add to these fruit smoothies; I've just been using Weight Watchers mix or Ovaltine. (I got the "recipe" for "fruit poop" from my friend H.M.)
Exercise: Bike for 20 minutes. My legs hurt a lot from work; Cooking, cleaning the kitchen, and running up and down the aisles in Wal-Mart and Dillons buying things for the house. So, probably 30 minutes of fast walking.
Water/beverages: Got coffee on the way out of town to E.W. Got a 16oz cup of ice water to go with it. When I got back to Lawrence, went to the gym and made myself drink 1 nalgene bottle during my workout. In the afternoon, I had 1 diet vanilla coke. At work, drank 24 oz. of crystal lite. Right now, drinking another diet vanilla coke. I will drink a glass of water before bed.
Medicine & Vitamins: Yesterday I took all my fish oil at once. (10 caplets) I felt really, really ill afterwords. I'm wondering if there is another way I can get the DHA stuff that helps with depression. Does flaxseed oil have DHA? I'll have to do some research.
Art/Fun: Typing in my blog. Thinking about how to make an art website. Too busy today to really do anything.
House Work: Did two loads of laundry. Called a realtor to talk about how to improve our house if we want to sell it. Rescheduled some doctor's appointments. Working on getting a printable calendar to keep track of all our appointments.

Today I met with E.W. (Therapist who works with eating disorders). We had a good discussion about my family. We kind of pinned down that my "spiral" downward started when I had to become my father's guardian two years ago. From the time I left for college until that point, I had been focusing on theatre, art, my friends, and my relationship with my husband. In 2003 my dad had to be put in a nursing home because he lost his second leg to diabetes. I had to go back home, confront my dad about him not taking care of himself, move my mother out of her home, and really take some parental responsibility at the age of 25. I think since that time my thoughts have focused a lot on my family and my past, and a deep fear that I'm becoming like my parents. E.W. suggested maybe that living in the past, or in the past memories, might be making me more depressed.

I need to think about what she told me for a while. I ordered the "Thin Within" materials and will be working through those and the books with E.W. I am excited

posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 10:11 PM |

Monday, January 31, 2005
forgot to post this
2 weeks ago I had to return to the doctor because of the flu. They weighed me, and my weight was 247. I will be returning to the doctor to be weighed this coming Wednesday.

I had a good day, but tonight I was anxious and ate 6 pieces of bread with jelly. For no reason. As I was eating I knew I didn't need to eat it, but I did anyway. Even after I had eaten my turkey sandwhich. Haven't drank much water today at all, and my mouth is very, very dry.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 7:19 PM | 1 comments
thoughts running in circles
Bible Study: not yet
Mood: Feeling anxious, then feeling better. I have been crying off and on and then was feeling hopeful about my life. Random crying bursts, then strange to-do lists in my head. Don't know what to do with myself
Food: fruit smoothie then I'm going to eat a turkey sandwich.
Exercise: None
Water: maybe 1 glass
Vitamins: going to take my first round of fish oil now. Haven't been taking my vitamins, but have been taking my lamictal and zoloft.
Art/Fun: did some sketching in a sketch book and am planning more artwork

After much debate and consideration, I am giving this blog address to a few trusted people. I think I want some people to know what I'm going through, and to pray for me while I go through this. I don't want this to be an exhibitionist type of thing. I will continue to keep this blog like a diary, totally honest. It may give certain people insight into what I'm feeling in the moment.

Today I built a fire. Even though my house is a mess, and I organized just a little recycling, I always keep a fire going. It makes the house feel cozier. I was sitting down, watching the fire, and all of a sudden an hour went by. I was just spacing out, staring at the fire. I had tried to sketch some drawings, but I couldn't get myself to complete them. A lot of them deal with my past childhood: the house fire, the dead mice, the piles and piles of trash. I don't have photographs, really, of my childhood, so they are all images that are stuck in my head. I want to get them out and apply them to my artwork, rather than having nightmares and worrying about my past. I have made lots of lists in my daytimer; clean this, cook that, go to this meeting, call this person....and I feel as if it's all too daunting. But I'm excited about organizing and cleaning. I really like to cook. I like to eat healthy food. I really like exercise. When I'm in the middle of these tasks, I am very happy about it and am very proud of myself.

However, I spend so much emotional energy working up to doing something it takes a lot to get started. I need a "parent" to tell me what to do. I do much better when my husband tells me what to do or suggests I do something. He is my husband, not my parent, so I am trying to put boundaries on myself. This is what I am most angry about: the neglect of trying to put a disciplined life together on my own.

My parents were both coddled. Both of them had mothers that gave them money and helped them. My Grandma J., paternal grandmother, paid the bills until her death. My Aunt J. told me that my Grandma would drive by and take the mail out of the mailbox because she couldn't trust my parents to read it or take care of bills. My Grandma E., maternal grandmother, cosigned a lot of my parents' loans because they had awful credit. My Aunt J. has told me they both did a lot because they were worried about us kids and had to take care of my parents to make sure our needs were met. My Aunt J. & Grandma J. were planning on somehow adopting us or getting us 4 kids away from my parents, but then my Grandma J. got sick with stomach cancer.

There is anger inside of me that my parents were coddled, then us kids were neglected. It's so strange. I was thinking today that I don't want to have kids because I'm so messed up. But then, I know that I didn't have very good earthly parents. My Father in Heaven has really taken care of me despite my parents.

My wrists are really hurting so I need to stop right now. Next time I will blog:
Examples in my life of the ways God has shown up and helped me when I've been alone
Some special scripture that God talks about the fatherless & the poor
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 5:27 PM | 1 comments
Saturday, January 29, 2005
new hairstyle
Yesterday I went to Colors salon and got my hair dyed. Around December 20th I was very depressed and so I had bought a lot of random wash out hair dye. However.....it didn't completely wash out! So, yesterday, I made an appointment to get my hair fixed. It's a very pretty, warm brown color. There is a wide highlight of blonde and a wide strip of red. I am naturally blonde, so it will be interesting when it grows out.

My husband told me he really doesn't like the blonde streak, but I think it's growing on me. It's very different.

I haven't been eating the best. I've been just eating pizza or cereal. I did work on reorganizing my house some on Wednesday. I don't know why it's so very hard to change. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life still.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 10:28 AM | 0 comments
Thursday, January 20, 2005
new medicine
Yesterday saw my psychiatrist. My husband is now on zoloft for treating ADD. I am on lamictal again to try and stabilize my moods; the zoloft alone just isn't cutting it. I was looking at baby names earlier today. I can get pregnant when on these medicines, but only if I really need them. It's been a scary decision, cause they don't know if lamictal is necessarily safe....but what my doctor told me is it's not deemed "unsafe." If I can't live without these medicines, then I need to stay on them.

I think that I've discovered, for me to be healthy and happy, my mental health and my relationship with God need to come first. I am an artist, I'm a painter, a calligrapher, and I must vent my feelings with this artwork. As soon as I figure out how to do so, I will scan in my artwork and post it on a website. I don't have to make a lot of money; just the hope that somebody out there might stumble up on my work.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 7:51 AM | 0 comments
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Beginning the artwork
Today I am looking up various things on the internet as references for my artwork. A rat skeleton, pabst blue ribbon cans, fire reflected on cheap, wood panneling, garbage on the floor....images from childhood scrapped together in a weird montage. It may not resonate with anyone else, but it's at least going to be therapuetic. So...here goes to look that stuff up, print it out, and add it to my sketchbook.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 9:40 AM | 0 comments
Monday, January 17, 2005
Watching Return of the King
Ate pizza tonight, a luna bar, a whatchamicalit, and a cookie. hmmmmm.... didn't drink much water, either.

However! My husband STRONGLY suggested that I go to the gym, and that made me feel tons better. I really like Body Boutique. I really feel comfortable working out with only women....no weird guys to tell me how to work out.

Overall, the visit with my husband's friends turned out to be good. The friend was nice, and I got to talk to his wife B. a lot more, which made me feel as if I'm getting to know her better. I recently told S. & B. that we have been trying to get pregnant. (My husband and I have been married 4 years.) They are lending us an ovulation tester that will tell us the times when I'm most fertile. We've been off birth control for a couple of years, and I'm finally on anti-depressents that are safe for a pregnancy. So....now I think is the time.

I must call E.W. (Therapist who works with persons with disordered eating).
I see my psychiatrist and counselor this coming week. Some progress has been made.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 1:04 AM | 0 comments
Sunday, January 16, 2005
today's snapshot
Bible Study: not yet
Mood: Anxious, not wanting to eat, crying a lot
Food: only some cookies and a thermos of coffee.
Exercise: None
Water: maybe 1 glass
Vitamins: going to take my first round of fish oil now.
Art/Fun: Played City of Heroes most of the day. Working on these paintings.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 1:30 PM | 0 comments
Painting in a cold Basement
Well, today I am very anxious. I've taken some anxiety pills. My husband wants me to hang out with some friends of his. I like his friend's wife, but not his friend very much. His friend just makes me feel stupid and inferior. I know that this is something inside of myself; probably not something that he is necessarily doing.

I am working on a prairie fire painting for my husband's grandparents and a windmill painting for my in-laws. I'm using guache and acrylic and hoping that will provide a good effect.

I am hoping that this flu bug is almost out of my system. I am ready to get to the gym and begin exercising.

I am angry and upset and don't want to go see this friend. I am hopeful reading the Bible and painting while listening to good music will help me feel better and put me in a more stable frame of mind.

Wednesday I return to the doctor to be weighed. This will be good accountability to have my doctor weigh me weekly.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 1:13 PM | 0 comments
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Link
I found a link to Oprah that talks about past episodes and obesity, but I haven't found a reference to the episode that keeps playing in my mind:

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_2002/tows_past_20021106.jhtml

I'll find it and post it later.....
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 2:11 AM | 0 comments
A La Bridget Jones

Bible Study: Read through a few chapters of my read through the Bible.
Mood: Anxious, wanting to eat cookies
Food: Ate fairly well today. Ate too many cookies this evening, and now I want more. Normally, I would just eat them, but this new blog is distracting me.
Exercise: None
Water: I've drank at least 2 liters. I think I need to drink 3 every day. Something I need to research.
Vitamins: Took all my vitamins.
Art/Fun: Played City of Heroes most of the day. Read some of "#1 Woman's Detective Agency" Very neat book so far.

I'm here, at the computer, wanting to eat cookies. I have been reading the Thin Within Books, and I know I must wait until my stomach growls and eat when I'm truly hungry. I just want to eat because I'm anxious and I can't sleep. If I can't sleep pretty soon, I'm going to take some benadryl.

In between my last post and this one, I went to the doctor and found out that I have the flu. So, that's why I've been so cranky the past week....I wasn't extremely sick like my husband was, but I have been feeling run down. I have a new membership to Body Boutique (an all-women's gym), but I haven't attended yet. I am going Sunday unless I feel awful.

Also found out on a website that DHA that's found in fish helps your mood. However, I need to injest 1000mg of it. That's 10 fish oil capsules a day. Normally, I've been taking 5 because I was calculating incorrectly. We'll see if the vitamins and exercise makes a difference.

posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 1:44 AM | 0 comments
Friday, January 14, 2005
Did you see that Oprah episode?
This is something that I've always wanted.....a place where I could post what I've been eating, what I've been doing, and how I'm feeling. This is going to be a tool for myself, my family, and my counselors only. I am keeping my true identity a secret from everyone else, in order to allow myself to be as truthful as possible.

I feel just like an obese woman I saw on Oprah a couple months ago. If I can find the title of the show I will post it here. This woman talked about how she would eat only at home and in her car, and she kept herself very isolated. This woman lost a lot of weight from gastric bypass surgery, and now looks great. Sometimes I feel as if I'm turning into who she used to be. Today I went to Sonic and ate a breakfast sandwhich and a sunshine smoothie, even after being diagnosed with the flu!!! All I have been able to think about today is food.

My counselor recommended I see a nutritionist. I am very happy about this. I talked to my family doctor, and weekly I'm going to go into the doctor and be weighed and have it put in my chart.

Today when I went to the doctor for my flu symptoms I weighed 252 pounds. I am only 5'4". I feel like I am a very small head on a very large body!! It makes me feel trapped inside myself. Food the past few months has been my friend and my companion. However, Jesus is my companion and my Saviour. I must turn to Him instead of food.
posted by Warm Vanilla Sugar at 3:47 PM | 0 comments