Saturday, October 08, 2005

the beginning of losing

I have been feeling a little odd...I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and I am still at 270 pounds. I am 5'4", which means I am in the obese category. I did weights yesterday (a variety of arms and legs) and today 20 minutes of cardio. I got my heart rate up to 160 beats per minute. An article on the wall of the gym gives a formula on how many calories to eat to lose calorie intake should be 1750 daily to safely lose weight. I have eaten 2 chocolate chip muffins today, each 450 calories, so I've already eaten 900 calories, which leaves 850 left for the rest of the day. I have done Weight Watchers, which boils down calories and fat into points & makes it simpler to keep track. I am determined to lose this weight for my health, and use this blog to track and stay accountable to what I'm doing. I doubt anyone is reading my blog, but it will be a good picture of my transformation. I will post pictures as soon as I'm able....I was so upset when I saw the wedding pictures at my brother-in-law's wedding and the way I looked. I just looked so huge! I miss when I weighed 180 pounds when my husband and I got married. I still had weight to lose, but I felt so much better. I lost 40 pounds (went from 222 to 180) from doing a program called Weigh Down. Gwen Shamblin has since started her own Church (a cult really: Remnant Fellowship. They do not believe in the Trinity, which is a fundamental Christian belief) so my church doesn't really want me teaching classes with her materials. I have gotten involved with Thin Within, a Christian weight loss system that started before Weigh Down did, but has a lot of the same principles. I am a member so I can access all the content, and I am seeing a counselor, Emma W., who deals with eating disorders. It's been helpful. Every little change makes a difference, so even though I'm not seeing results, I need to trust that they are going to show up!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Wanting a baby to hold

Tonight I was sitting at Drew and Andrea's rocking myself in their big chair in the living room. I just had this sudden urge that I needed something to hold, that there was a baby in my arms that was going to appear out of thin air. I just couldn't even believe how real it felt and how much I wanted to cry. I just sat there, staring off into space, feeling out of it and feeling so overwhelmingly sad and amazed. Why do I all of a sudden want a baby that I can almost feel him/her in my arms? How odd. It's an amazing, strange, and sad feeling, and I'm not sure what to do with it.