Sunday, July 31, 2005

Remembering God

God is sovereign above all else. He's in control of my weight, my feelings, my actions.

A prayer I prayed while I was engaged. (A Christian lay minister wrote it, but I can't remember the name):

Lord, let me be willing to take what You give, lack what You withold, suffer what You inflict, be what You require.

It's such a simple prayer, but it lays down everything we feel in this life. I wonder if people look at me and wonder what is going on.

My nightmares of tornadoes, trash & mice. The songs I sing while I play piano. This blog. I am trying to express what is going on in my soul....and I know that God is good. He also scares me, because I know He will do whatever it takes to keep me in His hands.

Friday, July 29, 2005

When the mighty Mississippi rolls
There's no way to tie her down
Devours acres leaves them bare
Again you'll never see them whole

Tempted her in '93
to swallow me in flood
I swam her waves and dared her so
To wash me down and fill my lungs

she swallowed corn and roads alike
Animals would not survive
but she let me swim as if it were calm
though other death pressed all around

merciful she was to me as i swam further and further away from shore fighting the current and fighting myself, knowning she was at her highest tide
I swam in the winter water that melted from Wisconsin,
I was friends with Huck Finn
Raftless, friendless she did not kill me
And I could scarcely hold her in.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dream of all the rain that falls
gutters leaking at barn's edge
pony's halters left on nails
gone starved cold
their smell is still here hair hoof prints
I search among hay around corners
hoping I will see my horses
whole brushed happy
tears or rainwater pound
I chastise my father as child he is
I was studying spanish verbs death of a salesman
while gone my poor ponies
starved in the barn

Monday, July 25, 2005

I have been feeling quite odd and brain dead from my job....I love my job, but during my days off, I think in Spanish. But just about vehicles, accidents, "choques" & "golpes."

I wish my Spanish to be well-rounded and academic. I am understanding Spanish better overall, but I don't want to just talk about accidents, water damage & paying bills. I want to ask how people are doing, tell them I care, ask them where they are from, assure them that I want to "Get them back where they belong."

It's really cheesy, but it's true.

Friday, July 15, 2005

rough 2 weeks

The past week I haven't wanted to leave my house, i haven't exercised....haven't eaten too much, though, which I guess is good.

My husband is filling out a loan to purchase the other side of our duplex and rent it out. I am feeling scared and overwhelmed by this. hiding will not make this better; neither will eating.

Jesus is in charge of my life.....I pray I would give up my stubborn will. I know He will overtake me one way or another.