On the edge of a cliff and Ready to Fly

MOVING MY BLOG

2007-03-24T10:43:00.001-06:00

Please note, my blog has a new home ->

http://blog.salsburygallery.com/

If you're reading this blog by RSS feed, please update !

for the hubby

2007-03-17T14:53:00.000-06:00

yes, it's cute

home sick w/ an earache; prayer request

2007-03-13T16:53:00.000-06:00

I am home sick today with an earache. I was hoping that I would feel a little bit better to do some more packing, but I don't feel like it! Hey, I took a shower....that's a bonus.

I have been super worried because my husband leaves tomorrow for Las Vegas to visit some friends. I am just worried about the flights, etc. I know God is in control, but I just am very worried about it. I can't think of the last time one of us has flown without the other!

May God have the glory whatever happens, I'm still worried sick about it. I keep having nightmares about a plane crash. Good grief, I feel like I'm losing it! Anyhoo, someone tell me something to make me feel better.

Funny things you find using "Stumble Upon" from Firefox

2007-03-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

This is one of those things. Hilarious!

Funny thing I said last night

2007-02-26T22:37:00.000-06:00

This story was told to me by my husband. Remember, Cowboy is our cat.

My husband came home from work last night, and I had taped the academy awards. However, the tape ran out right before they were going to announce who won the award for best picture. I was asleep, and my husband asked me who won for best picture. I said "Cowboy." A little bit later he asked me again, and I said "Cowboy." Finally, after a little bit, he asked again, and I said "The departed." He had to check online anyway just to make sure that I wasn't delusional.

We do own the best cat in the world, but I don't think he'll be winning any academy awards....

Chaos & progress

2007-02-26T22:31:00.000-06:00

Our garage is almost pretty enough to eat off the floor, there are boxes stacked up on tables in the garage, all the wallpaper is off in the kitchen and we are trying to take the glue off, there are cans of paint and paint materials on another table in the garage, we have a full curb of junk, I am putting out bags and boxes of usable stuff we don't need for the Vietnam Veterans association to pick up, I have packed a lot of the photos from our living room, there are scraps of wallpaper all over the kitchen and tracked into the living room, our house is full of so many liquor store boxes it looks like we need an intervention.

Harvest Brown is the new popular neutral. (710-D) Which we are going to use to paint a few rooms in our house. Check it!

When I get my hubby (hint hint) to post some photos on my blog, you won't have to use your imagination.

packing the first boxes

2007-02-13T10:48:00.000-06:00

It's making the moving thing more real...packed up just a couple of boxes this weekend. My husband is taking a vacation day Sat Feb 24 to help me paint the house (and we might recruit a couple friends.) We've lived here since we've been married, so it's a little weird that we're finally getting ready to move out.

There seems to be so much to do, but it's been helpful to just tell myself we can only do one thing at a time.

Date w/ Realtor

2007-01-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

Set a date with our realtor, Randy, for Wed. Feb 14, 2007. We're going to have him check out the house to see what needs to be done to get it ready to sell.

I was thinking about everything we've done to improve our duplex:
*over the hood microwave *new windows *exterior paint *sump pump *fireplace doors *some interior paint *landscaping *new kitchen faucet and repaired bathroom faucets

What is left? Floors are a wreck, roof will need replacement sometime soon, deck in back isn't so great, interior painting and wallpaper removal.

My in-laws suggested before we get into repainting and heavy remodeling to have the Realtor come over and check everything out first to see what needs to be done. Last time he came over he said we should make the front look nice, which we've done with the new windows and paint.

My husband and I were working the budget and have been talking about moving, it's stressful to think about. I am praying that God would open doors and shut doors. Sometimes, I don't know how to pray about life changes. I just barge ahead with what I think is right, and I pray for God to stop me or make it very clear if I'm taking the wrong direction. It's so hard sometimes with those gray areas that aren't laid out in Scripture. I know I'm not supposed to commit adultery, murder in my heart, or covet. However, I am not so sure on do we move now to be closer to work to save money on gas and time, or do we wait a little bit until more of our debt is paid off? Or, do we move sooner rather than later so we can put the saved gas money and travel into our debt?

I need to remind myself God is in charge

Funniest SNL Sketch ever

2007-01-28T10:26:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I'm a monster

2007-01-21T08:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes with this whole infertility thing I am calm, cool, and collected. Take last weekend for example. Two members of our "covenant group" (like a Bible Study) are pregnant. Most of the night's conversation consisted of breast feeding. I enjoyed the conversation, I wasn't ready to cry, and I didn't say anything rude. One of the pregnant ladies at the beginning of the night asked me about how the adoption process was going, which was nice. I talked a little bit about how I feel badly because China says you can't adopt their children if you're overweight or on anti-depressents. I enjoyed listening to their mommy stories, and I didn't get mad and leave. I was quite amazed at God's grace to me, because that was a particularly hard thing to do, especially since my husband was not with me.

I skip that covenant group sometimes just because I can't handle being around people with kids, because inevitably the conversation turns to birth stories and pregnancy stories. Sometimes, I just want to scream at people and ask them what their problem is. One of my husband's friends, after he told him he was adopting, said "So, you've given up on having one of your own?" WHAT? You mean adopted kids won't be our own? Now, this friend has rubbed me the wrong way the whole time in this adoption process. When I first mentioned to him about adoption, (this was a year or two ago) he said "No, this is way too early for you to think about adoption, there is a lot of other things you need to do first before you adopt, there are lots of fertility clinics around." Okay, Master of my universe. I will get right on that, whatever you say.

So, with him, I'm already on edge, and I am always expecting nasty things to come out of his mouth as far as adoption. I really need to pray more, because whenever he says anything, the monster in me wants to come out and just lay it on him. It's as if he is the master of every adoption cliche that any of us have ever heard. Do you have any ideas for how to respond to this friend?

Friday I went to work and I was in a sassy mood. I have been pretty quiet about the adoption thing, only my husband's family and a few close friends know. I am tired of listening to other people talk about their pregnancies, how they can't sleep at night, and how they heard the baby's heart beat, etc. (I have one pregnant lady that sits by me and another that is friends with someone that is by me, so I hear them both talking all the time.) I want people to know we're going to be getting a baby in a year or maybe a little more! I told my boss, all my co-workers that we're going to start the adoption process once we get moved to Olathe. I asked my boss if it was okay for me to take a photo of myself at work for our home study, he said that was great. Cindy, the same teammate who said that I should adopt a Mexican baby so I could speak with it in Spanish, said "It's exciting. It's like you're expecting a baby but it's just a little different. You're doing it this way rather than getting pregnant." Man, I love that lady. She's only 22 or so but she has said some great things that have made me feel better.

Yep, I'm expecting. We're expecting. And if I need to listen to you tell me stories about breast feeding and how many hours you were in labor, you're going to get stories on paperwork and adoption milestones.

I don't feel like being quiet about this anymore! We're adopting!

slow

2007-01-14T13:09:00.000-06:00

Well, haven't gotten an email response from the lawyer, and, frankly, haven't made time to call her. My husband and I are attempting to pay off some debt and discussing getting a lot of our personal belongings in a storage unit. My 30th birthday is in march, so I'm taking a week off that week. All extra furniture needs to be out of here by then so I can repaint!

I guess I get so overwhelmed when I look at all the information we've gotten from various adoption agencies...I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Moving and getting our home ready to sell and organizing our finances is all I can focus on right now.

It doesn't help that almost every night I'm dreaming about babies or children. When I imagine our future children, I imagine adopting older children that I'm speaking Spanish with, isn't that strange? My husband wants to adopt a baby (and I guess I do too) but really, I think I would like an older child.

emailed the lawyer!

2006-12-30T19:36:00.000-06:00

I know it's the weekend, and the adoption lawyer wasn't in, so I went ahead and emailed her! I have been anxious all weekend, thinking about kids and babies....My husband told me that he was dreaming about babies last night as well. He dreamt that someone from work told him that they knew several moms that needed to give up their babies. I think it's been weighing heavily on our hearts and minds, especially around the holiday season.

I feel so much better doing something rather than just waiting. I blog because I want to talk to other women (and hubbies) who have been there, from all over. I don't feel so alone, and when I hear about moms and their kiddos it gives me hope to keep going and keep plugging away at this big mountain.

Isn't it strange, how weeks will go by, and you won't feel anxious and depressed about infertility, but sometimes it's like this unbearable weight that all you can think about? This week has felt like a ton of bricks. I hate it.

Someone near my cubicle at work is pregnant, so sometimes I hear all my coworkers asking her questions "when are you due, how are you feeling?" etc. I'm happy for people that are expecting, and I pray everything goes well, but I just can't be around pregnant people (which has always been hard at my church...since it's so large, there is always someone or multiple people I know that are pregnant).

Also, whenever groups of women get together, they, naturally, want to talk about children, childbirth, and they compare notes about who had the worst labor, the worst morning sickness, and how busy they are with their children. I just have to walk away from the discussion. I feel like Bridget Jones sometimes, in that scene where she is the only single person in a group of married people, and they look at her as if she is such a weirdo for not being married. I guess we all go through periods in our lives where we feel odd, left out, going through life at a little different pace than everyone else.

A co-worker didn't realize I was married, and she asked me how long I have been married. I answered "6 years in January." Then comes the inevitable question "So, are you guys not going to have kids or you don't want to have kids?" When she asked, it didn't hurt as much as it normally does when people ask me that question. I just said, happily and proudly, "No, we're going to adopt!" Then, she said something I thought was so cute. She's on my team, and all of us speak Spanish in our job. She said "You should adopt a little Mexican baby, there are so many in orphanages, then you can speak Spanish with it!" I didn't point out the fact that most babies don't speak...I just was so tickled that she was just happy for me, and then she said "Man, I would love to adopt kids, I need to get going on that, too! There are just so many kids that need good homes!"

So, if you seek any babies that speak Spanish that need good homes, you know who to refer them to!

bleh

2006-12-29T16:54:00.000-06:00

Well, another month has come and gone. I am planning on calling the adoption attorney sometime next week. I keep putting it off because I think to myself "maybe I'm pregnant!" So I wait, thinking I am, and then get disappointed. I want off the roller coaster!

some things I've wanted to say....

2006-12-11T10:28:00.000-06:00

MY HUSBAND

He is the most wonderful man in the world. We have had a rough year this year (or, the past two years.) We've struggled with infertility, I've gained weight, battled depression. He worked two jobs for a period of time while he was looking for a new full-time position. He's been taking computer classes and is currently working a job that he enjoys, but he knows he doesn't want to be there forever.

This fertility deal is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I have had periods of feeling envious of people who have been able to get more easily pregnant, I think to myself "Thank you, Jesus, for not allowing that woman to suffer with infertility. Thank you, Lord, that You are in control of the womb and you bless women with children." It has really turned my heart around; I know God gives this to us for whatever reason, and He, in His sovereignty, has chosen this for us.

Anyway, I am grateful for infertility right now because it's shown me the character of my husband. I have always been afraid of marrying a man that wouldn't stick by me. My husband has been my greatest hero: he has been a rock during this whole process. He has been supportive, caring, and not placed blame on me for us not being able to get pregnant. When I realized how much weight I had gained, and there was no physiological reason for it (ie, I've gained weight the good ol' fashioned way, eating too much and not exercising enough), I was really afraid for our relationship and our marriage.

My husband has been encouraging me to lose weight, but he's never blamed me, never mistreated me, never called me names or threatened to leave. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world.

Like I said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm grateful that God has shown me how wonderful my husband is throughout this. I am so very, very thankful for that.

less depressed

2006-12-03T12:02:00.000-06:00

I didn't realize how depressed I've been about not being able to get pregnant, yes, I've gained a lot of weight, been lethargic, not wanting to do anything...but I feel better knowing someday, after a lot of paperwork and commitment, we can do this adoption thing. More later!

direction

2006-11-22T18:30:00.000-06:00

Last night we met with the couple, D. & K., who domestically adopted through an attorney in Kansas City.

After talking with them, and listening to their stories, we are really feeling as if domestic adoption through an attorney, rather than an agency, is the way we want to pursue adoption.

We will take some time to pray and talk more about it, but it feels good to at least have pinned something down.

I will wait until after the holidays to start some of this....It's been an emotional roller-coaster. Man!

meeting on Tuesday

2006-11-18T09:47:00.000-06:00

Through our adoption support group at church, we've been introduced to a couple who has domestically adopted through an attorney in Kansas City. She mentioned how the attorney has worked with birth mothers to arrange the adoptions.

Very excited about this meeting...I am glad that we are on the same page about which way we want to go in the adoption process. There are so many decisions to make, I'm glad we've at least narrowed it down to domestic.

We've been in contact with our local Foster Care adoption worker (through adoptUSKids). Her name is Alex. She's suggested that maybe if we move in the middle of the process we may need to redo our homestudies or retake some classes.

However, I think right now we're leaning towards domestic adoption from an attorney or private agency, not necessarily through Foster Care, but that may change. It will be a good meeting on Tuesday!

My husband also met someone from work that knows someone who adopted from Olathe, Kansas. It's so cool how God is putting all these different people in our lives, I don't feel so alone!

feeling quiet

2006-11-14T06:10:00.000-06:00

Saturday the 5k went well, I completed it in 55 minutes. (I took a short cut, and that's the time I would have had if I stuck with the group that finished at 55 minutes). So, I can only get better, right?

The adoption meeting was tough, I just feel so tired and upset by the whole thing. We've decided on domestic adoption, we're still looking for an adoption agency. I'm going to be calling a few and seeing if we can start the paperwork now before we move, or if it would really make it easier to start it all when we move to Olathe.

Honestly, I am just tired of this cycle of 1) waiting 2) hoping 3) being disappointed. I would rather be working towards something. We know we're not doing any more fertility treatment, and I am just tired of hoping something magical will happen. Maybe it will, who knows!

So, we have a lot of packets from various agencies...I'm talking to someone from church to see if she knows anyone who has adopted domestically, as a lot of folks in our church have adopted internationally. I am sure a lot of the processes are the same, but it would be good to get recommendations on what to look for in agencies.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Saturday is a big day

2006-11-09T06:56:00.000-06:00

Saturday at 7am we are walking in a 5k which supports the Zicker family orphan mission Fields of promise (on blogroll).

After that, our church is having their first ever "Adoption Support Group."

That night, we're going to a surprise 50th birthday party for a friend. So, it will be a busy day, but I'm hoping to make a large post on Saturday with everything I've learned from our church's adoption meeting.

happy treadmill day!

2006-11-04T15:54:00.000-06:00

Got the treadmill today! I used it for 15 minutes while dying my hair and watching animal planet. Boy, that was a sight!

Learned from Lori's Lines (on blogroll to the left) November is adoption month! Very, very cool.
I was telling my husband maybe the reason we haven't been able to have kids yet is because he is supposed to be a guardian for this young man with Down's Syndrome. I am always trying to see open doors where other doors are shut, maybe I'm must trying to be an optimist. I am hopeful that God will continue to guide us in that and let us know if we shouldn't do it just because of everything we've been going through already. Honestly, I am praying for a very, very shut door, mostly because it seems to me to make sense to be this young man's guardian.

God has been very good to us. Hubby and I have both gotten significant raises, which will help us pay of debt, buy a new house, and feel less stressed about the money we may need to spend on adoption.

One week until the meeting of the adoption support group at our church! I cannot wait! (Also the day of the 5k for Ethiopian orphans....my training has not been going so well as far as that is concerned.)

Fields of Promise 5k

2006-10-30T06:10:00.000-06:00

Registered my husband and I for a 5k Run (I will be walking) that benefits orphans in Ethiopia. After the run, the adoption group is meeting from church. It will be a day of learning about orphans!

I have been walking at 5am most mornings with a friend, last week it was only 1 day due to the rain. This coming week we should be purchasing a used treadmill.

I haven't weighed myself lately, I really don't want to see it! I am just praying that God would take away this desire to eat whenever I'm depressed or anxious.

My husband might be playing basketball tonight w/ the men's group. We have our budget to work on. Yesterday I did a bunch of laundry and paid bills. When did becoming an adult be so boring?

This is getting harder and harder to keep plugging away when month after month there is this roller coster of anticipation, a couple weeks of waiting, and then disappointment. We've tried all sorts of crazy "home methods" and "old wives tales," and we'll continue to do so. Nothing else to do while we're waiting to move into a bigger house, as we've decided we're not going to start filling out paperwork until we've moved. I have being so happy and hoping and then so disappointed. I just wish I could turn my emotions off or I wish I could be told that we're infertile, but there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix. It's just waiting, and when we get tired of waiting and nothing has happened, it's moving on to the next step.

very depressed day...

2006-10-28T19:31:00.000-06:00

I have been so very sad today. Until I found googlism on one of my sister's old blogs...

Made me smile!

Googlism for: jessie

jessie is a sweet bright lady
jessie is here
jessie is in the scrapbook
jessie is 10
jessie is happy again
jessie is a sweet
jessie is unstoppable
jessie is five
jessie is happy again it's just good to know you all are improving over there
jessie is capable of handling multiple executable commands simultaneously
jessie is also capable of handling multiple executable commands simultaneously
jessie is a profound master artist
jessie is upset because arbok is hurt and she saying "move that raticate he wants to bite our arbok" and look where james's hand is
jessie is a native of my hometown of prescott
jessie is
jessie is weakening
jessie is adorable
jessie is a cowgirl
jessie is a light colored neutered male
jessie is human
jessie is big on color
jessie is in need of a loving home in oh
jessie is creating a buzz within industry circles
jessie is actually fleurette's half
jessie is a *legend* between my sister and i
jessie is thirty
jessie is appointed department spokesperson
jessie is a full
jessie is a little perturbed by charlie's behaviour
jessie is charming young jessie
jessie is a flexible
jessie is being watched by the neighbors
jessie is obsessed with herself
jessie is hott
jessie is aware of things around him
jessie is at home
jessie is brave
jessie is travelling through
jessie is an approximately 5 year old neutered male border collie
jessie is a 2 year old bassethound/ labrador/something mix
jessie is an outstanding example of the german shepherd dog
jessie is kidnapped and begins the most horrendous adventure of his young life
jessie is now a hospital administrator at the very hospital jarrett works
jessie is having done in pre
jessie is scheduled to be spayed on sept
jessie is the focus of the majority of her own statements
jessie is your local
jessie is a bacon nut

New church adoption group

2006-10-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

November 11th our church is holding a 5k Run sponsoring Zicker Family missions (on my blogroll to the left) supporting orphans in Ethiopia. After the 5k run, a group of families from our church is going to discuss adoption. S., someone I've talked with off and on the past couple of years, is going to be one of the speakers on her adoption story. She and her husband adopted 2 girls from China.

S. came up to me at the women's brunch today just to make sure I knew about the meeting as I've been asking her a lot of questions. So, I am very excited about our church starting this "Heart of adoption" discussion time and group.

[the following is taken from my church's bulletin]

This coincides also with Family Life and Focus on the Family have teamed up with Shaohannah's hope as one voice to call the body of Christ to care for orphans. During the week of November 13th-17th both radio programs will be discussing adoption and orphans. They have also launched a new website, www.voiceoftheorphan.org

So, as we're gathering all our paperwork and gleaming information, I think this will be a good time. Waiting is difficult. At the women's brunch today there were 2 women with very young babies. I know it was selfish of me, but I had to get out of there. Lately, I've had a hard time talking with or seeing people with young babies. I guess I would have expected to be a mom by now, and it's difficult to watch people younger, or my age, with children.

However, the whole point of the brunch today was that life doesn't always turn out the way that we want it to. If God calls us through certain trials or certain circumstances, those are ours to bear. It is all meant to glorify Him and draw us closer to Him. Doesn't always mean it's going to be easy, but that is what He requires of us. The speaker played a Ginny Owen song today, and the lyrics are as follows:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

It's such a pretty song, and it expresses a lot of the hurts we go through that we really don't understand. If that's what God requires of us, however, we need to be willing to go through it.

waiting

2006-10-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

jeez....how much of this kid stuff is just waiting? plugging along with normal life, then waiting....forging ahead a little more and waiting some more.

Things are on hold until we get moved to a bigger home closer to our jobs. Monday my hubby and I start our new jobs....we'll get to car pool together! We'll get to see each other so much we'll get sick of one another!!

I'm so excited and nervous. I can see growth and some things are "crossed off the list." I guess I'm impatient and wish the rest of it could get crossed off!

I gained some weight this week. BLAH. Friend of my husband is selling us his treadmill, I can't wait for that. How awesome would it be to use the treadmill while watching tv?

Monday I start walking with a friend every day at 5am. I am praying for lots of days of good weather....it makes exercise so much easier to do it with a friend rather than alone!

madonna adopted

2006-10-13T13:51:00.000-06:00

I just heard a blurb about Madonna adopting. Do celebrities just pay people off to get children? (ie Angelina Jolie). It just seems like they suddenly go to a foreign country and pick up a child. Do they have to do all the paperwork, all the background checks, etc. to get approved to adopt? Or do they just get to do it?

On the braces thing, it's a medical deal because I have been grinding my teeth at night which is causing pain and headaches and the dentist thinks straigtening my teeth will help. It may not solve it, if it doesn't, I may need a mouthguard anyway. So, I'll have to see!

stuff

2006-10-11T13:57:00.000-06:00

found out at dentist that I may need braces. stressed out about this! My first appointment is November 16th (I think).

Man. I wish I played the lottery.

I'm out!

surprise!

2006-10-08T19:35:00.000-06:00

I sorta surprised my husband by ordering catalogs from a slew of adoption agencies. (I think I at least have gotten 2 or 3 different ones)

My husband called me and left me a cell phone message saying "You've been a busy little bee!" He was a little bit hurt that I didn't talk to him about it first...but I've been tired of waiting! I guess I think about adoption all the time (or I think I've told him things that I actually haven't). I have conversations with him in my head that I haven't actually had with him, so it creates interesting mixups in our marriage sometimes.

I promised him I wouldn't fill out the applications without him or bring home any children without his consent.

I know time flies by, but I can't wait until we can buy a bigger house and really start ACTING on adoption agencies, etc. I know it's going to be a bit of a wait, so I want to learn as much as I can now, so that when we move we can have our new address to start filling out all the paperwork.

telling people "we're adopting"

2006-10-04T16:08:00.000-06:00

I am probably jumping the gun, but I am starting to tell people when they ask me what's going on (and old friend emailed me.) That my husband and I are moving next spring and then we're going to pursue adoption.

It kind of puts butterflies in my stomach, because I think "How will they react?", "Is this a for sure thing?"

How did you tell people you were adopting? Did you tell people right away at the beginning, or wait until the process was almost complete??

step toward the process!

2006-10-03T14:27:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I decided that we will be leaving Lawrence and moving to Olathe where we both will work. I have lived in Lawrence since 1999 when I graduated college, so I think it will be a little sad to leave. Especially to leave our church!

Well, we aren't moving tomorrow or anything, but we will be moving next Spring, which is soon enough.

I can't wait to move because I know that will really be the BEGINNING of homestudies and looking at adoption agencies....it just seems like it's taken so darn long to GET to that point!

I am really not looking forward to painting the whole house. I like painting, but not housepainting everything white. Bleh.

You know you've spent a lot of money at the mechanic

2006-09-30T12:18:00.000-06:00

We dropped $500 or so fixing one of our cars.
We got this from the mechanic:

Isn't that the cutest thing? Never gotten a thank you note from a mechanic before. Maybe it's because we paid for them to go to Hereford House for lunch, who knows!

worst movie ever

2006-09-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

On Thursday night we celebrated Hubby's new job. We went to see The Black Dahlia.

I decided that it was the WORST movie EVER.

Why was it so bad? Jerky writing, gratuitous, nasty sex (not even good sex, it was just bad....), couldn't follow the storyline nor understand what the actors were saying, it tried to be ambitious but failed. There were so many loose threads and threads that wound around side stories I lost track, it gave me a headache. It was based on a book, so Hubby thinks they tried to pack in too much from the book without making it concise. I needed a shower after I saw that movie, made me feel dirty it was so badly done.

It's so frustrating! "R" rated movies seem like "NC-17" to me. I am sorry, maybe I'm a prude (no, I am a prude), but I really don't want those images burned into my head, especially if they're badly done. I am all about artistic freedom, but jeez, it really burns me when people throw in sex in a movie just cause, where it really has no bearing on the plot, and it's just for shock value. I really need to read up on a movie before I see it, because, man, that was a waste of my time.

This is what Scott Huver says from Hollywood.com : The result is more of a parody--indeed, an unflattering caricature--than a modern commentary on a classic noir style. Add in his ceaseless, camera-swooping swipes from Hitchcock and his ongoing fixation with meaningless gore--ham-fisted homages and hemorraging hemoglobin, to ape Ellroy's alliterative gossip-rag riffs--that distract from the intensity of the source material, and all that remains is a bloody shame.

Yea, it's bad. I wouldn't have even given it half of a star. So, save yourself, see something else. Anything else.

check out Speedy and Princess

2006-09-30T11:51:00.000-06:00

Please check out the blog, they have recently gotten some good news!

God is Faithful!

going towards a goal

2006-09-30T11:41:00.000-06:00

Well, it's another month gone. Oh well. I'm upset, but not terribly upset. I just am tired of waiting, but I know it's a process and it takes a while to move toward this. I know God's timing is perfect, and I am comforted that God does have scriptures that discuss infertility.

I am glad that we are moving towards a goal. Though we are not filling out adoption papers yet, we have one thing out of the way.

I have a promotion, and my hubby has a full time job.

Next step, we need a bigger home for children with a yard. We are moving towards getting our home ready to sell and then we will purchase a larger home, possibly this spring. Then, we can begin to fill out home studies and pursue adoption.
Now, whether we will pursue adoption through Foster Care, international, or domestic, I am really not sure.
Honestly, I am leaning towards domestic or international. I am not sure if adopting through Foster Care is something I want to do, but I am continuing to pray about that. I am praying God will turn my heart, open and close doors, and lead us in the way He wants us to go. I am praying that He makes it clear to us, and we listen to Him.

ovetime

2006-09-26T16:20:00.000-06:00

Working 9am-9pm this whole week to try and gather extra money to prepare for the income gap for the next month or so.

Won't be blogging much, just sleeping and working, have to leave by 8am and get home about 10pm.

Sometimes, most times, I hate commuting!

I got it!

2006-09-21T07:59:00.000-06:00

I got the promotion! I was offered the job for Office Claims Representative on Monday.
I am not sure what my schedule will be, but the latest I will work would be 11am-7:30pm.

All I know is that I'm going to be on an all Spanish speaking team. I believe I will be handling coverage disputes and also liability decisions in car accidents where there are no injuries.

Very excited, thanks for your prayers, this will give us additional income and flexability to help us prepare for the next step as far as adoption goes.

My husband's job is over in less than 2 weeks, so please be praying for him and his job search.

lots of babies at church today

2006-09-17T13:27:00.000-06:00

Isn't it funny when you're going through infertility babies seem to creep up everywhere?

At church today, I counted 6 babies in our church that have been born in the past month or so. It was just interesting to see them all go up in waves for communion.

My pastor's wife has mentioned that our church is probably a difficult place to be when one is struggling with infertility, as there are so many babies being born.
Babies are a blessing, and I'm so glad that so many people are able to birth their own children without problems! It's just difficult sometimes, wondering when it's going to happen for us.

Still haven't heard about the promotion yet; they said it would take a while. Hopefully, I will get some news this week!
Even if I don't get a new promotion, my schedule will be a lot better beginning tomorrow. I used to work 2:30-11pm Monday-Friday, and now my schedule will be 10:00am-6:30pm. Yipee!

finances

2006-09-10T12:58:00.000-06:00

My husband I have been meeting monthly with someone from our church to go over our debt. This is usually a good time, and for the first time yesterday we brought up the adoption equation.

I hate to think of kids in terms of finances, but my husband and I are in a lot of student loan debt and other misc. debt. (Though, thankfully, the credit card debt and misc. we've whittled down quite a bit.) We are trying to be wise in our spending and follow the Crown financial principles, but my heart really aches for a child NOW. I don't care how much it costs, or how much debt we get into, I just really want a child!

Our friend that discusses finances also brought up the fact that adoption not only has upfront costs, but the cost of parenting as well. Clothing, feeding, educating and caring for a child. I guess I feel torn with wanting to be financially responsible and have enough saved up for a child, and feeling as if I'm getting old because I will be 30 in March.

Also, a lot of our family and friends are in the Illinois/Indiana area, and we are considering moving there someday, especially if we have children. If I get a promotion here in Kansas, I will be locked in for 18 months until I can promote up into another job in Illinois (where there are more job opportunties).

Our friend from church that works with us on finances also said that maybe we aren't meant to have children, but maybe we are just to be people who help children that aren't necessarily our own. (I can't remember the exact phrase he used, but it was something to the affect of maybe we aren't meant to be parents by birth or adoption.) I guess that's something that I've been praying through, if we are meant to be parents at all.

I don't know why I want to be a mom, it's just something I want! Maybe that's just a selfish part of it, I can't even explain it. I just know there are a lot of kids out there that need parents, a lot of orphans that don't have homes, a lot of kids whose parents just don't have the ability to care for their children. I know my husband would be a great dad, and I want to see him as a dad, and I guess that's a big part of it. I want to be a mom, but even more than that, I really know my husband wants to be a dad.

I guess we're just going to keep moving forward, and see where God opens and shuts doors. That was such a tough talk yesterday.

thanks for your prayers!

2006-09-09T12:09:00.000-06:00

Job interview went great. Thanks for the tips, Lori. They asked a couple of questions on your list so I was prepared.

I think I interviewed well, I got stumped on one question, "Give me an example of something that demonstrates your analytical thinking skills." I said "Well, a lot of that has come with the insurance tests I've had to take, for example, the test I took on Tuesday about figuring how many square feet of shingles need to cover a roof." I felt pretty goofy with that answer.

They told me I won't have to interview again, they will just give me a yes or no answer probably in the next week or two. The only thing they have left to do is talk to my current supervisor there and run a "performance matrix" that I guess analyzes how well I do on my current position.

Very excited! I really hope I get it!

Interview on Friday for promotion

2006-09-06T10:09:00.000-06:00

This will be quick, as I want to take a nap before I head to work.

Friday at 3:00pm I have an interview for a promotion to an Office Claims Representative.

I haven't interviewed in a while. What are the questions that you usually get asked in interviews? Anyone know any good websites that I can look at to refresh my memory?

I passed my NY adjuster's test!

2006-09-05T18:37:00.000-06:00

Today, I passed my NY adjuster's exam.

Let me tell you about New York.

Most states are reciprocal in their licensing. For example, I am licensed in Texas, therefore a lot of other states accept a Texas license and just give me a license in their state. To name a few, I am licensed in Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Wisonsin, Kansas, Oklahoma, Washington, Oregon, California, Conneticut, North and South Dakota, Lousiana and Georgia.

Not New York. To be licensed in New York, I have to be bonded for $1000, have five people vouch for my character that have known me five years or longer, and pass an extremely hard test. Some of the doozie questions are, for example:
What farmowners coverage type would cover graneries and outbuildings?
How much percentage of coverage A on a homeowners policy covers debris removal?
For liability purposes, when is someone considered an airline passenger, when they enter the airport or board the plane?
How many squares of shinges do you need for a roof that is 10 feet by 20 feet if the shingles are 5 inches long?
How are kitchen counters measured?
What type of insurance covers a broken jaw rehab? Major medical insurance or disability insurance?

Thank goodness it was multiple choice. I got a 79%. They want you to know ALL sorts of random facts about all types of insurance, from auto, to commercial, to airline, and you have to know casualty and property. It is nuts.

Now, what can I do with this wacky New York License? I can say "Ma'am, your deductible is $500. Now, do you have a shop in mind or would you like a referral to a shop that works directly with Farmers insurance?"

Thanks, New York! You picky *$&%*@(# !

my posts are boring....

2006-09-01T16:39:00.000-06:00

order of events
I may not be blogging for a while until something changes, my blog is depressing myself.

1. I get a higher paying job
2. Hubby get a steady job
3. We get ourselves a house (probably move to Olathe, KS)
4. Decide if we want to adopt international, domestic, foster care.
5. Take the appropriate classes.
6. Fill out paperwork
7. Pray a lot
8. pray some more

OR, someone could put a baby on our doorstep. C'mon! Email me, I'll give you my address.

waiting

2006-08-31T13:23:00.000-06:00

I hate having to count time in between my periods, and hoping every month that I'm pregnant.

My husband is working on getting another job, so hopefully that can lead to us buying a larger house. Then, we can start filling out home studies and work on the adoption process.

I am just tired of waiting and nothing happening, but it's just seems like all these "things" have to be in order before we can proceed with the next step.

So, things are on hold, just plugging along until the new job for my husband shows up. Then, if we aren't pregnant by then, I'm am sure we'll begin all the applications full force.

Still haven't decided what method of adoption: I'm enjoying reading others' blogs to see what their experiences have been like. I know none of them are easy, and I don't really know what I'm getting into until we're in the middle of it.

My love/hate relationship with food

2006-08-29T09:57:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I eat because I'm honestly hungry and I enjoy what I'm eating. Sometimes I eat a lot of food for no good reason. I leave work at 11pm, and I have this bad habit of running through the drive-thru on the way home.

Am I hungry? No, just anxious and want something to calm me down.
I can drink 1 beer and be satisfied, I can keep away from smoking, I don't do drugs.
However, food is really hard for me to stay away from. I use it as a way to relax and feel better,
which I know isn't right.

Surprise birthday party for father-in-law

2006-08-19T11:01:00.000-06:00

I am CRACKING UP. We are throwing my father-in-law a surprise birthday party in a couple of hours and right now he's on the phone with my husband. He thinks he's going to a 25th anniversary party for a family friend, and he's asking my hubby "Are you going to this anniversary party? We'd like to see you." And hubby is saying "I don't know if we were invited or not...you might see us there...we weren't told about it"

OH MY GOODNESS. This is TOO funny. I can't wait to see his face tonight at 5:30! I thought he would have a clue by now but I don't think he does.

AWESOME!

music--part deux

2006-08-17T23:25:00.000-06:00

I am currently listening to India Arie, NPR Story of the day, Jem. Check 'em out!

quick post

2006-08-14T20:02:00.000-06:00

my husband and I have begun looking at homes. I have no idea when we'll move (or be able to move) but we have been looking and doing some research.

I just keep thinking about "Oh, this house would have room for kids and a playroom" and it's just so funny to talk that way, to plan for kids and to try to find a home that would have enough room for kids.

It's exciting, but I hope we're not setting ourselves up for disappointment! More posts later...

why do i blog?

2006-08-09T09:59:00.000-06:00

I was thinking today, why do I blog? Why do I like these blogs I read so much? (if you are reading this, check out the blogs/websites on my blogrolling...they are all note worthy)

I think the number one reason is a lot of my friends are not going through the infertility thing right now. I've gotten to talk to quite a few women from my church, but a lot of them are not in the midst of it, they have already gone through it and have already adopted or been able to have children naturally. I think it's a good way to hear people's perspetives, and to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly about parenting, especially through Foster Care.

My friend Gretchen said something to me today that made me laugh. Since there seems to be nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with my husband, she said "They need to get that figured out!" It just made me laugh because it's just so odd, there is nothing wrong, why can't they figure it out? We, as humans, think we are smart, but really, God is so AWESOME that He made all these parts to be able to produce a BABY. Sometimes, even when everything is all perfect and should work, it doesn't. God is in charge!

This is going to sound odd or cruel so please forgive me, especially if you've gone through this scenario: Sometimes I wish I HAD something in specific so some doctor would say "Nope, you can't get pregnant, adoption is it." There is still hope, the best thing for me to do is to keep exercising and continue to lose weight, but there is nothing that is pointing out that I can't get pregnant. No tumors or cysts, I ovulate, and everything is open, my cycles are normal, it's totally unexplainable. It's just weird, then...how do you decide to quit trying and then start adoption papers? I hate this waiting, but it's GOD's choice, not mine, and I need to submit to that.

So, here's the game plan: I am going to pray for my future kids. I remember back in college praying for my future husband, so I'm going to start praying for my future kids. Whether they end up being birthed by me or not, I feel strongly that we're going to be parents one day, either by adoption or by birth. We are going to continue to use the fertility monitor and try to stay on a TIGHT Schedule for 6-8 months, and I'm going to see if I can order some hormone cream my friend Jamie told me about. I would appreciate your prayers on this...I feel as if I'm getting old! We are also looking at buying a bigger home so we have room for kids, and living in that home for a LONG time. I would appreciate prayers and guidance on that. I'd been hoping to get a promotion to move to Illinois where all my friends and family are, but that isn't panning on right now, so we'll probably stay in Lawrence. But prayer for a RAISE so we'll have more money to pay for visits to Illinois would be great, and the opportunity for me to work from home is a possibility. Please pray that I would be faithful in prayer!

tough drive home from work

2006-08-06T00:27:00.000-06:00

It's 1:22am here, so I will keep this short. I had a rough time driving home from work tonight. I periodically look on the foster care website to see what children in Kansas are up for adoption, and I looked at that site earlier this afternoon. It breaks my heart that there are kids that want parents and are looking for a "forever family." It also just really upsets me that there are foster parents that have to jump through so many hoops, and deal with false accusations (check out Dad's Highway). It just doesn't seem fair, kids are waiting for parents, parents are waiting for kids...why does it seem like this impossible task? All I think about is how much it costs, how much training you have to go through, how much paperwork, photos...I guess it comes down to trust and money. We are in a lot of student loan debt, and I'm mad, I just feel like we'll never make enough to pay off our debt, get ahead, and have enough left over to afford an adoption. I don't know where to even start. My husband wants to keep trying to conceive, but how long do you let this go on? Three years is a long stinking time. Do we just say "well, we can't afford to adopt, so forget it?" I guess my husband and I need to sit down and have another talk, and I guess I'm mad it's not easy, it's not a surprise. "Oh, look honey, two lines, we're going to have a baby." It's buying a certain house, saving up money, filling out paperwork, talking to lawyers and agencies and being DELIBERATE about everything. I'm praying if there are kids out there that are meant to be with us that God will open those doors wide. I feel very, very disheartened and angry. I feel as if since we don't have very much extra money every month that we aren't going to be able to have children because we can't afford it. I want to direct my energies at something, towards something, towards getting something accomplished. That's why I want a new house. A new house with room for children, so we can photograph the house, put this in a home study, which may someday allow us to adopt children. Why are we working so hard to pay off debt? so when some social worker looks at our finances they can see that we have enough to adopt a child.
I guess my heart feels torn between what I want and my pocketbook, and I feel sick that what I'm worrying about is being able to have a child.

So much for a short post. goodnight.

Nothing.....but a decision!

2006-07-28T22:45:00.000-06:00

As far as the fertility specialist can tell, I don't have blocked tubes or anything that showed up on the x-ray. The doctor thinks that I'm ovulating just fine because of the urine tests we take at home; if I weren't ovulating the tests wouldn't work. So, we've decided not to proceed with the artificial insemination. We will just continue to use our ovulation "computer" and urine tests and try to conceive. At the same time, since we haven't been using any birth control for 3 years now, we are going to proceed with adoption.

My husband is beginning to do some research. Some of our friends from church (I don't have a link up yet..but I will soon) are traveling to Ethiopia Sunday to help with an orphanage there. They have already adopted a child from there, so I jokingly asked her to bring us back a baby. Hubby did mention he does feel led to adopt from China or a local, domestic adoption, so I'm not sure where God is leading. I don't know if foster care is a way to adopt that we want to pursue, there are a lot of pros and cons out there. I think we're going to look into meeting with someone who can guide us on how to do home studies and what the costs are for domestic adoption.

Tie-Dye!

2006-07-24T15:28:00.000-06:00

Today we met with the fertility specialist. Very nice doctor, he explained all the procedures up front. We did explain we didn't feel comfortable with Invitro fertilization. However, there are some procedures that involve taking fertility drugs and having, basically, artificial insemination. There doesn't seem to be any moral quandry with those procedures, no eggs are taken out, just the sperm is deposited further up in the uterus so they are closer to the eggs.
Tomorrow at 11:30 I go in for a dye procedure to see if there is anything blocked or if I do have endimitriosis. I am assuming I don't, but you never know, he did say some women have it without having any pain.
The next step would be a more surgical procedure where they would actually go inside with a scope and try to repair something if there is an issue. That would have to be scheduled next month, immediately after my period, as they don't want to do that procedure in case I might be pregnant. I will have a blood pregnancy test tomorrow before this first procedure, just to be sure.
I have a hard time talking to my husband about all these things and what I'm feeling. I am praying that I will be able to discuss this with him and get some closure on what we're going to be doing about all this.

Anchor

2006-07-11T11:34:00.000-06:00

I cancelled my appointment today with the naturopathic doctor...I am very stressed about money, and though I would like to use natural medicine, I think I would rather spend money on an actual fertility specialist. I want to find out if there is something seriously wrong first (ie, blocked fallopian tube, cysts, etc.) After that is ruled out, I would feel comfortable going back to the naturopathic doctor for natural hormone replacement rather than shots. I am just concerned there may be something serious.

A friend of a friend was going through infertility treatment and they found cancer, so I guess I just want to rule any of that out, even though blood work has been normal. I am praying for a promotion; we're going to need to make more money to continue to get out of debt and to keep saving for a baby, either through medical treatment or adoption.

I have been convicted as well about my lack of consistent quiet times lately. I have heard a lot of Christians talk about the importance of devotionals or quiet times. Most recently, Jim Ryun and his sons were guests on FamilyLifeToday and he acknowledged the importance of daily times with Lord. (listen to it here) What am I spending my time on? What am I worried about? Where I am I going with my life? I have to make sure those questions are in order, nothing else matters in the eternity of things.

why don't friends call back?

2006-07-05T19:58:00.000-06:00

I have a friend that I'm really worried about. I have left multiple messages with no return call. The one time I've seen her since March has been when I stopped un-announced at her home.

Note to all my friends: Call me back! If you don't like me and don't want to be my friend, tell me!

I don't take hints very well. I'm going to keep leaving messages. Next step is writing notes. Next step is another surprise visit to make sure you're still alive.

Sharing and all my free time

2006-07-05T19:45:00.000-06:00

Made an appointment today for July 24th to see a fertility specialist in Olathe, Kansas. My next visit with the naturopathic doctor is Tuesday, July 11th.

As I've been sharing with people, other women have shared their fertility struggles and it seems to be a lot more common than I once thought. I've had nothing but supportive comments and kind words from people when I share, though when people ask "Do you have kids?" or "When are you planning on having kids?" I really have to weigh what I'm going to say. Most times, if I don't know the person very well, I just say "not yet." If it's someone from church that may know what is going on I share a little bit.

I keep plugging away at information regarding adoption but I feel there are a few more "hurdles" we have to jump through before we begin the adoption process. I have talked to folks about adoption, but we really haven't begun the process or gotten any further in it. At our church there is the very beginning of an adoption support group, so I just feel very lucky that our church has a lot of members that have adopted, so we wouldn't be going through that alone.
My husband did share that he would prefer to adopt a baby (as opposed to an older child), which is something we've never talked about before.

I am reading a book called "Overcoming Infertility". I have been looking for a book like this that just educates on the different causes of infertility, the treatments, and I think I just want to feel more educated in talking with doctors.

I am doing okay. I just feel as if there are a few other things we want to try, but then once we've tried those things I think we'll have another family meeting to discuss what to do next.

crying

2006-06-27T18:09:00.000-06:00

I've been crying a lot and just feel super-stressed out with all these appointments, paperwork, etc.

We're taking a break. I had a complete meltdown on my way to work today.

Ironically enough, what helped me feel better was some Waterdeep. Fit my mood today, I can't remember the name of the song that really got me. (How high and how deep is your love o Lord?)

It's all me

2006-06-13T09:00:00.000-06:00

Tests came back...thyroid is fine, and blood glucose, insulin and iron are all fine. Dr. Khosh just recommended that I eat small meals every two hours throughout the day to keep blood sugar level, as I tend to have low blood sugar. I also don't have much stored iron, so I will want to eat foods that are higher in iron (he suggested Spinach and sardines. Yummy)

Basically, my weight gain has nothing to do with anything physical; diet and exercise. I guess it's a relief that there is nothing wrong, but it's frustrating that I've done this to myself. I am asking God for forgiveness for the sin of gluttony.

I suppose I'm projecting this on myself, but I imagine people thinking "Of course, she couldn't carry a child, she is far too fat!" I think about that all the time now, and I really hate it. I am trying to stay positive and keep plugging on doing the right thing, but when I'm depressed and upset I want to eat! Which, doesn't help, because I can't be eating large meals for no reason because that would mess with my glucose!

Before I got married I did the Weigh Down diet and lost 60 pounds. Weigh Down ended up taking a blasphemous direction, so now I'm doing another similar Christian weight loss group, but it's just online. I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I think it's kept me from falling into a pit of despair and just continuing to gain.

I am really tired of this...I guess I just need to quit whining and get on with it. There are a lot of people in a lot worse situations than mine. The infertility doesn't bother me so much as the weight thing, I just feel very self-conscious and feel as if I'm being judged all the time. I guess I'm disappointed that there isn't going to be a pill that can quickly fix it, it's going to be up to me depending on God rather than food and doing what I need to do.

We also have no extra money for Weight Watchers or anything like that, so anything I do is going to have to completely be on my own. I am working a lot of overtime the next few months, but that is mostly to pay for all these additional medical expenses.

I have a test today on Commericial Insurance. I need to get studying.

Naturopathic Doctor

2006-06-08T08:23:00.000-06:00

I went yesterday and I had a first appointment with a Licensed naturopathic doctor. There is an interesting transcript from a PBS show featuring Dr. Medhi Khosh As the transcript states, naturopathic doctors are primarily trained in acupuncture, homeopathy and other natural healing techniques.

A friend had recommended him to me in November, but on a whim I made a last minute appointment yesterday (since I was off work.) I didn't talk to my husband about it first (but I did tell him under diress afterwards). I just set an appointment on the spur of the moment because I was afraid he would think I was nuts. I was just so upset the endocrinologist didn't call me back with my results, and all my results are coming back normal, I just decided "to heck with western medicine! phooey on you!" That's my new word when I feel like cussing lately: "Phooey"

What he is suggesting is tomorrow I come in for fasting blood work, after that he will read the results and check my hormone levels. If they are out of balance, he will give me Chinese herbs to balance the hormones and use acupuncture. I'm not afraid of needles, but I'm also not extrememely excited about that part. My husband will be going with me on Tuesday for the blood test results and the next step.

He did say that 33 out of 34 women that have seen him for infertility were able to conceive; the only one that wasn't was 49 years old! (Can you imagine having a baby at 49?) So, I guess this is worth it, though I am honestly a little leary. Very nice gentleman and he's been the one that's just sat and listened to me for a few minutes, so that was great.
First appointment was $135.00 out of pocket! (yipes!) But, I guess it's better than just taking a bunch of tests for people to say "everything's normal." I'll have to submit it to my medical savings account and see if they'll pay for it.

My husband sent in his "stuff" today to the hospital to be tested just in case that's the problem. We should hear on that in a couple of days.

I am feeling a lot better today. I guess I just want an answer one way or the other, and I want my husband and I to be on the same page about adoption. I think my husband really wants us to have our own baby more than I do, which I think is odd. I would, of course, love to birth a baby, but I just want a baby, or a child, and I really don't care how it gets here, adoption or naturally. I know we won't be perfect parents, but I know God is sovereign over all these things and He will help us through it.

Heart hurts

2006-06-05T16:45:00.001-06:00

Last night I was laying in bed and I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of baby names. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. I was just thinking "what if we never get to use the names we've picked out for our children?" I guess we make our plans and we expect life to just instantly follow what we want to have happen.

Life doesn't work out the way we always want. I was talking to our friends that visited this weekend, and we discussed how we take our fertility for granted. We use birth control so we don't get pregnant and an inconvenient time, and then we expect instantly to have a baby when "the timing is right." Phooey on birth control. When you get married, babies are part of it. I think it's interesting the Catholic Church's stance on birth control as opposed to the Protestant Church's view. Both are against abortion, but the Catholic Church (and, forgive me, I need to do much more research on this) is much more conservative and stands up for life in a more aggressive way. Birth control by chemicals and barriers stops a life just like an abortion does.

I guess I feel like my husband and I wasted a couple years on birth control, waiting for the right time. Yes it would have been stressful getting pregnant when we were first married, but that's part of marriage. We shouldn't get to pick when we have kids. And, thus, I am not getting to pick right now. I am not in control. Every month that goes by I am reminded of that, that I am not the one who is in charge. I like to control my own destiny, but God is teaching me that I really don't have any control. His timing is His timing.

I am just having a hard time because I feel as if all of this is my fault, it's up to me to fix it, and it's so hard to explain how I feel. There are good days and there are bad days. I went to my appointment last week and I was just so mad at the doctor. They don't think I have a thyroid problem or a problem with cysts. All my blood work is coming back normal and I'm taking a test today for free cortisol (24 hour urine test.) I have no idea what the heck all this stuff is for. I am ready to start the adoption process as soon as possible, sometimes I think seeing all these doctors is stupid. Why do I even bother?

baby for sale on ebay?

2006-05-20T16:20:00.000-06:00

On last night's news I heard about someone who was trying to sell a child on ebay or on the internet. Anyone heard about that story? Know anything about it?

I am NOT looking to purchase a child on ebay. Just wondering about the story or if I had not heard correctly.

another cycle

2006-05-20T15:13:00.000-06:00

I am anxious for May 30th to get here, to at least get the process started, and to see what the next step is. I want a to-do list, and I know it's not that simple!

We are trying to clean and reorganize our house. We've done chunks of it over time, but we have a lot of old papers and old keepsakes that we just need to get rid of. I'm looking for websites and books that teach about housecleaning and house organization. I think that's a goal of mine for the year 2006!

Times in my married life I've prayed through Psalm 31...that I would be more disciplined, more hard working, more organized in my home life. I know that's hard to do when one works full time, but I know it's possible. I see a lot of women who make their homes pretty, simple, and inviting...and I'm praying that for myself and our house. I LIKE cleaning and I LIKE organizing, but I still feel overwhelmed and frustrated very easily. It seems as if I miss a day I get behind, and so I ignore house cleaning for a week or two, and then it really adds up....how does one keep up?

11 pounds and counting

2006-05-16T20:01:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to report I've lost 11 pounds.

That is all.

Fertility sticks and Mother's day

2006-05-14T20:56:00.000-06:00

I am out of fertility testing sticks...they are expensive as all get-out, so I'm skipping them for a while. I'm just holding out and not worrying about it until my appointment on May 30th. How long does one go down this road before you say "enough is enough? I'm done with this fertility business." I guess I am more interested in how folks foster adopt or adopt their children. I listen when people tell me their birthing stories, but I REALLY enjoy hearing how God orchestrates adoptions. I feel as if it's such a scary, difficult, worthwhile process that isn't for the faint-hearted. I still remember the gal from church saying "adoption is great for some people, but you need to realize nothing is the same as birthing your own child." Now, I understand where she is coming from: what she was trying to express is that women shouldn't adopt just expecting that it takes away from the grief of not being able to birth your own child. I know there is and will be things to mourn: baby showers, gifts, going to the hospital and bringing a new baby home...sharing in the common birth story that most women get to experience. However, it seems there is a lot to be said for taking a baby out of a bad situation, or giving parents to an orphan, or giving up some part of "normal procedure" so a child can have a good home. We have a crib in our basement, and I think sometimes "Will I even get to use that crib?" Because in our state, the current waiting list for foster adoptive kids is 6 and older, not a lot of babies for placement. If we bring a ten year old into our lives, that will throw us into another category of parents (ie, we could have birthed this child when we were 19!). It's a family joke that my husband looks exactly like his mother when he wears his glasses a certain way. If we are unable to have our own children, that will be something we'll miss out on. Our children will not look like us. Family members and friends that we've shared this with have said they will love our adopted kids the same. I feel this unspoken tension "However, that's only after you do everything medically possible to birth your own children." I don't know if it's society or what-- adoption only comes after years of misfires. However, I have always felt that if we can't birth a child I want to skip right to adoption. I have wanted to skip a lot of doctor's appointments and this medical leave and all this junk. However, I guess I have to go through with it to make sure I don't have any kind of serious medical condition. I just don't know when that point is...when do you finally say "I'm out! I'm done! Enough of this fertility treatment stuff...." I was ready to quit the fertility treatment before I started. I feel as if May 30th is the departure day from which all this begins. I wish it was over already. It will be good to have our friends stay with us the weekend after, even if it is only a whirlwind visit.

How firm a foundation

2006-05-11T10:52:00.000-06:00

I have been trying to listen to hymns and really listening and studying the words. They are full of good doctrine and encouragement for difficult times.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake.

Please pray for a friend of mine who is going through difficult times: pray that she would know Christ is her firm foundation.

doctor appointments FMLA Leave

2006-05-06T13:39:00.000-06:00

Set up with work to get what is called intermitent FMLA leave. Talked with my supervisor last week about the possible need to be gone off and on for infertility treatments. She suggested the best thing to do to protect my job would be to go on FMLA leave. My doctor fills out paperwork, and then I just let my job know when I'm gone for the leave.

My first appointment is on May 30th with an endocrinologist and I have missplaced all the paperwork I need to fill out! I am usually more organized, but lately my brain has been scattered. I have not been as upset about needing to deal with infertility: I have been more upset about my weight and what I need to do to change my lifestyle and habits. I haven't been losing more weight, holding steady at 9 pounds.

A good friend of mine from church (my husband and I babysat their kids quite a bit) has a reoccurance of cancer that is in her bones and liver. I pray that God would strengthen E. and give her hope to get through this. I imagine that having cancer in the bones would be very difficult to treat.

Very excited! Found out for sure that our friends from Illinois can come visit us with their family in the beginning of June. That will be an awesome time. Will be great to have kids in the house (oh, and to see the parents too, of course!)

music...

2006-04-21T09:51:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted in a while-- life's been plugging along.

Talked with another friend at church, J., about her struggle with infertility. We were at a women's brunch at her house and the entire table of conversation was about childbirth, c-sections, post-partum, etc, etc. She and I just winked at each other, which was awesome. It's hard to explain when you're going through a difficult time, and people don't realize it, and then they discuss it in front of you. (More salt in the wound, please.) It was just great so have someone there who understood how I felt.

I have been listening to Marc Broussard, Fiona Apple, and Nickel Creek on my, well, it's not an Ipod. Digital Music player I suppose. I think Nickel Creek is in Lawrence tonight (or maybe it was last week....) Have to work, sadly.

Right now, we are on the scavenger hunt for a treadmill to put in the livingroom. Also, I am tutoring someone in Spanish tomorrow so I need to get working on a practice test for him. Subjunctive verb forms, yippee!

april fools day!

2006-04-01T22:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't wanted to post because I've been in a bummed out mood....my husband and I have been praying together more about simple, everyday things, so that has been a great comfort.

Otherwise, I feel very alone and "silent" about what is going on with us. I am trying not to tell everyone, even though I would like to tell everyone, because I am just afraid I'm doing it to have my own little pitty party. Everyone has struggles, so I let a few people know that I know will pray.
Today, I just mentioned to my mother-in-law about how we still aren't pregnant. She said she hopes we aren't feeling pressured by them, and then she went on to talk about some folks who have adopted children from Russia....

.....and then the Lawrence Journal World had an article last week entitled "adoption without borders" that caught my eye. I guess my ear is more turned to stories about people being adopted or folks who are considering adoption. Last week I talked with someone on the phone from work who was adopting a five year old out of Foster Care.

I suppose before all this infertility business started I wasn't paying much attention to adoption stories. Now. I am really being very nosy and asking people questions about how they have adopted, what the process is, how they feel about being infertile....I think I should write a book.

I did miss Bible study this week because I was so sure I would have good news, but then we were disappointed again. I just can't face people sometimes, I feel as if I am a failure because of my weight and infertility.

My mother-in-law mentioned when they were going through the infertility process that she would just try to stay busy as much as possible to not think about it. She asked me if the doctors are saying it's my weight, and I said "It doesn't help." When my weight is my one "abnormal" health trait, what else could it be?

My next doctor's appointment is May 30th with an endocronologist. Also, my husband and I are seriously considering buying a treadmill. We're going to talk to some other folks about it to see if that's the sensible thing to do, but I've been praying about it, and it seems like that it would help me to work out more if I had something at home. I walked to the store today -- wonderful weather!

the badness of Dean Koontz

2006-03-24T18:37:00.000-06:00

I will offend any and all Dean Koontz fans.
I am reading "Cold fire" and it's hilarious!
"Light had an affinity for them: it slipped in scintillant currents through their flaxen hair, accented the color of their eyes much the way a jeweler's display lamp enhanced the beauty of emeralds on velvet, and lent an almost mystical luminosity to their skin."
"like the face of a terminal cancer patient from whom disease had sucked the juice of life."
"would no doubt prove to be a mask, and under the mask would be a leering serial killer with a chainsaw fetish."
It's so bad, I can't stop! More tidbits next time.

Praising God for provision

2006-03-24T12:21:00.000-06:00

As my husband and I have been going through the Crown Financial Ministries Course, we have memorized this scripture, 1 Chronicles 29:12 Riches and honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power and might are in your hand, and it is at your discretion that people are made great and given strength. The Lord is in control over all things, and it's at His discretion that events are sent in motion.

Even when we are going through difficult times, I must remember to praise God. Right now I am very thankful because yesterday I received a yearly raise of almost $3000. My husband has received a raise at his job; an independent business owner of our church really wants to keep Donald on, so he's been trying desperately to get enough income to keep him as a salaried employee. Up until today, he's just been working as an "independent contractor." Today, he was offered a salary position. Between this raise and my raise, we think that we can make it without my husband having to keep looking for work. This current job is really in line with what he wants to do, and I think he really, really likes it. We also received a surprise financial gift from someone today.

We have accountability partners in our financial lives, so please pray for us as we make financial decisions. I feel that we, as Christians, must care for the homeless, sick, poor, elderly-- so please pray we would live out the commandments of Christ in our areas of giving as well. Jesus is the bread of life, that is free, so I pray we wouldn't focus on the temporary, as God knows we need food and clothing and shelter, but I pray we would continue to praise God through the difficult times and then good.

I guess I've been bummed...so here's what I'm doing about it

2006-03-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

I have been sad since my 29th birthday.

I made an announcement in Bible study last week: I had finally begun to tell a few select people in my church and circle of friends that we've been struggling with infertility. I told the Bible study "No one asks us to babysit anymore...my husband and I are getting a complex that we aren't good with children." A woman, C., took me up on the offer, and I am babysitting her kids this week. I decided rather than feeling sorry for myself about the infertility deal, that I would minister to those people who are already parents, those folks who would appreciate some help.

It just makes me so happy, happy isn't even the word, when folks are grateful when I watch their children. I know I am not the most perfect babysitter, but it does help to know that I can help someone else out. Since I don't have kids right now, I can go to someone's house and give them some time to themselves.

I have lost 9 pounds in 30 days, so I am punching up the exercise. I'm now 271. If you are a reader of this blog, please hold me up with prayer and asking me how the exercise routine is shaping up.

turning 29

2006-03-05T23:09:00.000-06:00

On March 2nd I turned 29. I always wanted to be pregnant by my 29th birthday, and now that date has come and gone.

Just a weird time. Been upset and weepy for no good reason.

Our church's women's retreat was really great, though. The speaker was Muriel Cook and she spoke on her China missionary friend Gladys Aylward. It was an encouraging time, very fun to hang out and laugh with women of the church, but it is a let-down when returning to real life.

I am going to bed soon. Been a rough week emotionally.

Hannah's great anxiety and vexation

2006-02-28T13:16:00.000-06:00

Today I turned on the fertility monitor again. It's this nifty device that my husband's best friend and wife have let us borrow. They were planning on going to a Kansas City Fertility clinic, used this machine, and they were able to get pregnant. It just tracks your most fertile days through urine test stips, and keeps track of the information in a small computer inside.

My husband talked to me a day, albeit briefly, stating "I don't think we should go to the foster care seminar or worry about foster care or adoption right now." Yes, I realize I skipped over the whole fertility deal (as you can see in the blog) and I think it's because I find the whole thing terrifying. I know I am going to have to make more trips to the doctor (once the money is there) and then decide how far down the road to go.

Let's look at 1 Samuel 1:4-7 : "On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, thought the LORD had closed her womb. And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat."
1 Samuel 1:10 : "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly."

Now, I am thankful that I am not one of two wives. However, I think it is fascinating. Her husband loved her best, even though she was barren. Also, year after year, the other wife, Peninnah, would be cruel to Hannah for being barren. However, in this passage, it's clear that the LORD closed Hannah's womb. What did she do? She was distressed, and later in the chapter she says "I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation" (v. 16b)

What does this have to do with a fertility monitor? Well, I think I need to sit down and deal with this "anxiety and vexation" rather than just tossing everything aside. I haven't wanted to deal with it, I have just wanted something to do (ie, researching foster care and adoption) rather than praying about having a child of our own.

Now, God is sovereign. And He may decide otherwise. His hand controls power and might, and it is at His discretion that men are made great and given strength. He owns a thousand cattle on a thousand hills. Everything is His. I think the message I'm getting right now is I need to walk in this, pray about every step, and submit to my husband's leadership in this matter. So, the adoption thing is a good thing to research for now, but the item at hand is the same thing Hannah had to deal with. She went to God, went and prayed to the LORD, the One in control of her womb. May I be half the woman she was.

birthday trip?

2006-02-25T11:52:00.000-06:00

I am unsure whether to do this or not on my birthday:

The decision to become a foster or adoptive parent is an important one. Kansas Children’s Service League currently offers a one-time orientation session throughout various communities in Kansas. The next orientation session in your area will be:

Thursday, March 2, 2006 at 6:00p

Kansas Children’s Service League

Topeka, Ks

You will require the support of friends and family members throughout this process. For this reason, we encourage you to bring any people upon whom you rely for support. Feel free to bring your children, parents, friends, members of your church family, or neighbors…anyone who will be helpful to you as you make this important decision.

Again, thank you for considering your home for a child needing a family. Please continually tell us how we can help you in this journey.

I think it would be a good idea to get more information, but not sure if I'm emotionally up for this right now.

oo! oo! another one on fertility!

2006-02-16T11:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, here is another site on feritility. With all due respect to the website's authors, it's a little confusing the way it's written. I have been trying to find some type of support group deal, but I guess I'll just keep plugging on my own.

It's this nutty cycle! I am depressed about what we're going through, I eat, I gain weight, get more depressed because I've gained weight...

God is in control of all these things, and like all things, I must confess my sins and acknowledge that I am NOT in control. We all like to think if we do (A.) we're going to get (B.) Life doesn't always work that way. Joseph was sent as a slave, was jailed, and at the end of it his experience was used by God to save his family.

God is in charge. He's backed me into a corner, in a good way, where I see the only way through this is to turn to Him and Him alone.

definition of infertility

2006-02-14T12:34:00.000-06:00

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within one year of unprotected intercourse (for a woman over 35, this time period is 6 months), or the inability to carry a child to live birth.

That quote is from Hannah's prayer ministries, I just was searching on the web for Christian sites that relate to infertility, birth control, ect., and came upon the site. The big question right now is, how far do you go down the path of infertility treatment? Obviously, losing weight and eating healthier is the first order of business, which makes sense regardless. I've had blood tests which show I don't have any diabetis or disease that would cause infertility. How much further down the path do you go?

I have been searching for an article from Christianity Today on birth control and infertility that I read a while back. I found part of the debates I was looking for on Think Christian blogs. I need to do some more searches.

Another funny moment: I never watch Regis and Kelly, but my husband and I caught just a part of it this morning. They had some guest on that had just adopted a baby. My husband suddenly said "Figures, they would talk about adoption on the show."

Draggin'

2006-02-12T22:43:00.000-06:00

I am so tired! I have done overtime this past week, have been studying for exams and Bible studies. My husband and I are taking a Crown Financial Ministries course, we're studying Proverbs in our covenant grouop, I'm daily doing an online study relating to weight loss.
I have lost 7 pounds, in 14 days, which is exciting I suppose. I honestly am more excited about getting to know Jesus better and really depending upon Him when I'm anxious rather than eating cereal or pasta (the two foods I tend to binge on).

I'm stopping the adoption research for a while, there is a lot going on, and I really want to focus on eating healthier and exercising. I had to cancel my gym membership, but I've been walking at work on my lunch breaks. For my birthday, I think I'm going to ask for exercise dvds.

I am going to watch some olympics and then go to bed. It was a bad idea to work a 12 hour shift yesterday.

Oh! Got a bonus! Praise God! That will really help with the bills. Can't wait until next week when we get my paycheck and that bonus.

order of events

2006-02-09T10:56:00.000-06:00

I have been posting a lot about adoption lately just as I'm beginning to do research. I'm trying to glean whatever I can for the future if it turns out we cannot have children. I'm just the type of person that is against most of the very invasive fertility treatments. I understand some people go that route, but I just don't see the need of spending that much money when there are kids out there without a family. Especially older kids, I have to remind myself: I have to get used to the idea that we most likely will not be able to adopt a baby because of the cost involved. Babies are easily and quickly adopted. What about the older kids? Shouldn't we focus our attention on them since they're more "difficult" to adopt? Especially the kids that aren't Caucasian?

First order of business: Crown Financial Ministries Bible Study. We are starting this Sunday at 7:00pm. This has been a rough few months with Donald being off work: we weren't prepared at all. I thank God that He's very gracious to us even though we mess up all the time. I pray He would be with us in this study. As He guides us in our finances and how to manage them with God's priorities, I pray He would guide us also in the adoption arena. And the moving into a bigger house arena. And the moving to a different town arena.

Second order of business: keeping with the setting captives free study on eating. I pray that I wouldn't use food to deal with my problems and I would turn to God and His word instead of binging on food. I pray that I would 'hunker down' and pray more! There is a lot going on in our lives that needs prayer. Maybe I should reorganize the list?

independent adoption

2006-02-09T10:44:00.000-06:00

found this website that talks about independent adoption. For some reason, this website depressed me. I will need to blog on it later. It seems as if you are advertising yourself so a birth mother will pick you for their baby. Is that the way it feels when you go through the private adoption process?

Quote from the site:

Beginning Your Search

How does a birthmother find the potential adoptive family? She will seek out a family that matches her idea of a good life for her child. She may want the family to be close by if she is intending to have contact, or she may seek a family anywhere in the country. You will need to describe what you see as the right fit for a potential situation for your family, after seeking legal counsel.

definitions of adoptions

2006-02-07T10:02:00.000-06:00

from adoption.com:

Private Adoption Agency: These licensed agencies can have a non-profit, not-for-profit or for-profit legal and tax status, and can be either general in their scope, or can develop an expertise and focus in a certain type of adoption, such as international adoptions, the adoption of foster children, or the adoption of children with special needs or those with a certain ethnic background.

International Adoptions: These adoptions involve children who were born in a country other than where the adoptive parents reside or are citizens, or who are citizens of a country other than where they live. These adoptions not only involve the normal state and federal laws that apply to all domestic adoptions, but they also are impacted by the laws of foreign countries and international treaties, but also require immigration approvals from the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service.

Home Study: A home study is sometimes called an "adoption study," and is a written report containing the findings of the social worker who has met on several occasions with the prospective adoptive parents, has visited their home, and who has investigated the health, medical, criminal, family and home background of the adoptive parents. If there are other individuals that are also living in the home of the adoptive parents, they will be interviewed and investigated, if necessary, by the social worker and included as part of the home study. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child, based on the criteria that have been established by state law.

Foster-Adoption: A child placement in which birth parents' rights have not yet been severed by the court or in which birth parents are appealing the court's decision but foster parents agree to adopt the child if/when parental rights are terminated. Social workers place the child with specially-trained foster-adopt parents who will work with the child during family reunification efforts but who will adopt the child if the child becomes available for adoption. The main reason for making such a placement is to spare the child another move.

Foster Care: Placing a child in the temporary care of a family other than its own as the result of problems or challenges that are taking place within the birth family, or while critical elements of an adoption are being completed.

Foster Children: Children that are in the legal guardianship or custody of a state, county, or private adoption or foster care agency, yet are cared for by foster parents in their own homes, under some kind of short-term or long-term foster care arrangement with the custodial agency. These children will generally remain in foster care until they are reunited with their parents, or until their parents voluntarily consent to their adoption by another family, or until the court involuntarily terminates or severs the parental right of their biological parents, so that they can become available to be adopted by another family. Therefore, the parental rights of the parents of these children may or may not have been terminated or severed, and the children may or may not be legally available for adoption.

Foster/Adoption Placements: A child is placed with the foster/adopt family before the parental rights of the birth parents have been legally terminated, so there is still a possibility that the child may eventually be reunited with his or her birth family. If the parental rights of the child's birth parents are terminated, the foster/adopt family will be given preference to adopt the child.

Domestic Adoption: An adoption that involves adoptive parents and a child that are citizens and residents of the United States.

basic requirements for foster care:

Requirements to become a foster parent vary from state to state, but this list covers the basics. Be sure to check with the Foster Care Specialist (or equivalent) in your state or province for detailed information.

Be at least 21 years old.
Have enough room (and beds) in your home for a foster child to sleep and keep his or her belongings.
Live in a home that can meet basic fire, safety and sanitary standards.
Be physically and emotionally capable of caring for children and have no alcohol or drug abuse problems.
Be able to pass a criminal background check and have no substantiated record of abusing or neglecting children.
Make enough money to provide for your own family, so you do not need to depend on the foster care reimbursement you receive from the state as income.

parts of an email on foster care adoption process:

If you are interested in adoption, please consider the following:

Over 80% of the children in Kansas waiting for a forever family are age 6 years or older. While we understand the desire of many families to have younger children, we are currently looking for families who want to open their homes to older children.

Please understand that participation in any of the preparation process is not a guarantee that your family will be selected to adopt a specific child. The team of professionals working with each child will make the selection that best meets the child’s needs.

The first step in both adoption and foster care is to complete a 30-hour training course called PS-MAPP (Partnering for Permanency and Safety-Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting). PS-MAPP prepares individuals and families for the foster care and adoption processes, while teaching attendees how to make an informed decision about becoming a resource parent.

The PS-MAPP program guides potential families through the issues they will face as resource parents. Through carefully designed activities, parents learn about the challenges and opportunities associated with fostering and adopting. The class uses both group and individual exercises to help parents decide if their expectations and abilities match the realities of fostering and adopting.

Have been out of it...

2006-02-06T19:13:00.000-06:00

I haven't done as much research into adoption this week. Have been focused on a Bible study that deals with weight loss...lost 5 pounds last week so that was an added bonus.

I was thinking today how I always "do better" when there is some type of Bible Study involved in weight loss. It seems to me that proves that my weight problem is turning to food for emotional comfort. When I turn my attention away from food and onto God, I see results. When I try to use a "normal" weight loss program that just teaches me about eating better, I don't do as well.

I know what I am supposed to eat to eat healthily, but then I tend to crash and binge if I don't focus on something else.

God is sovereign over all these problems, whether it's money, or adoption, or infertility, or whatever. With talking from other women in Church or in Bible study, we need to realize it's always something. Someone may be praying fervently for a husband she may not get. Someone may lose a child or a grandchild in a horrible accident. Someone else may get pregnant when they're not expecting it, which causes stress. Someone else may be dealing with hurts from a spouse that's having an affair. Someone may have to care for their spouse as they are dying of cancer.

My troubles and trials are small drops in the bucket compared to what everyone else in the world deals with. (Or even just the little world of our church). Christ died for all of them, all the sins I've committed, all the sins that have been committed against me, all the sins that have been done against my brothers and sisters in Christ and all the sins we have committed against each other.

I get mopey and upset about things but in the scheme of it, God is sovereign and He won't give me more to handle than I am able to get through. Christ is on God's right hand interceding for me.

How to adopt in the Foster Care System in Kansas Part One

2006-01-30T12:11:00.000-06:00

Emailed my friend H. today about adopting through the Foster care system. Asked her if she could guide me through some websites that address it. My friend H. works for Douglas County as a coordinator of volunteers for Citizen Review Board. The website on the front right now is basically adverstising adoption, so I'm going to read through that site first and then see what else H. guides me to.

This is one site I found on Kansas Foster Care This is an old site it seems
This is a website that generally lays out differences between international and domestic. Obviously, the site favors domestic adoption and has services for Birthmothers, which is great if you're in an unplanned pregnancy situation.

Will update more with what I find out tomorrow!

Adoption Insights

2006-01-27T10:51:00.000-06:00

I talked with P. yesterday, a social worker in our church that works as a "Home Study" helper. Now, yesterday at this time I had no idea what a "Home Study" was. Basically, it's a form you fill out that summarizes who you and your spouse are, your income, your hobbies, etc. It is a form that adoption agencies use (and governments) to see if you're a match to adopt. I was talking with her after Bible Study yesterday because she and her family adopted Náte from Ethiopia. He came to them after his mother dropped him off at an Aids Clinic to receive treatment. She died shortly after. P. explained that in most African countries the mothers and fathers would starve themselves before they would give up their children, but the AIDS epidemic is causing true orphans. Now, P. said she and her four kids are going to spend a year in Ethiopia, and are hoping they can adopt an older child when they are overseas. I am planning on keeping them in my prayers, what an adventure!

I decided to talk to P. about her opinions on adoption, as she has 3 birth children and 1 legally adopted child (as well as another older child that considers her and her husband mom and dad, though not legally adopted). What P. explained is that there are two different types of adoptions: Domestic and International. Then there are Private Domestic. Good grief.

What's hard about domestic adoption, as she explained, is domestic is centered around the birth mother. The birth mother goes to an agency, flips through all these profiles, and picks one. Now, your profile may sit in this file for years, or the same day you put in your profile (home study) a birth mother might choose it. It's an open adoption: which means the birth mother gets to choose and meet you. In her experience, P. explained that people have to wait a long time to adopt. Some couples to adopt domestically may have to wait five years, which is an eternity if you've already been waiting for a baby. We didn't talk about private domestic adoption too much; I think that's the type you use if you want to spend a lot to get a newborn directly from the hospital. I will have to do some research on that particular one.

International Adoption is different for every country. For example, some countries want you to personally get on a plane to pick up your child. Some countries only allow an escort to get your child and bring them back to you at the airport. Some countries (like South Africa) want to know specifics on your church and church attendance. Some countries (like China) don't want church mentioned in your application at all. She explained typically from the year you fill out your home study, within that year you will be 'matched' with a child. Also, on these applications you can specify what kind of child you want (age range and sex, etc.) These can run $15,000-$20,000 an adoption (including airfare), but there are income tax credits that can be spread out over 4 years. Also, some employers give incentives for adoption. P. said that basically her adoption of Náte was free.

It all seems very strange to me that an agency would charge for a child to get a good home. I suppose they have costs for looking up our records. I would hope that a good portion of that money would go to orphanages. I have told lots of people that it doesn't seem fair; there is no 'surprise' in adoption. You have to fill out a lot of paperwork, pay a lot of money, talk to a lot of people, figure out what to do, figure out what type of infertility treatment you will or won't do. People who can just get pregnant get pregnant, and have a baby! Wham, it shows up. Now, I know that's not as simple as it sounds. I know God is sovereign, and He decides who will and won't be able to have children. He can open or close a womb by His choice, and it is His perfect timing.

However, something weird is going on with me. I am frustrated by the adoption process, but I am excited that God could take a child that is not flesh and blood and make them your child. I think there needs to be an understanding that it wouldn't be the courts, or the governments, or the paperwork you sign. It is God that causes us to be a body, a family, united in Christ.

One of my other friends from church said she and her husband had a heart for China, and that's why they adopted two Chinese girls. If there would be a country or a region that I am passionate about, it would be South America. My ear is just always tuned to the political situation, the issues that effect South America. If it were completely up to me, and I know there are a lot of other factors involved, I would chose to adopt a child from Mexico or South America. However, what P. shared about the AIDS epidemic in Africa really got me thinking. I will have to do some more research on that topic as well.

God is Enough

2006-01-25T12:29:00.000-06:00

My husband showed me this free site that is affiliated with John Piper. I think I remember Jamie talking about this program in November.

I have started day one of the Lord's Table study, which deals with eating and gluttony issues. I have been struggling because Thin Within and Weight Watchers, two programs that I think are good, cost money. With the settingcaptivesfree, it is a free site and program run by volunteers. I can go through the program on the web at work if need be.

I didn't used to consider myself a computer person, but it seems lately I am most productive when I can do work on a computer. I am still very upset and low about the way we haven't been very wise with our money this year, but this has been an encouragement to find a free Bible study relating to food issues.

I had tea with S. yesterday, a woman who was unable to have kids. She is now in her early fifties. She and her husband decided to not adopt, either. She tried to explain why: As you look in the Bible about Priscilla and Aquila, the husband and wife who accompanied Paul in the book of Acts, someone at a seminar suggested that maybe Priscilla and Aquila were unable to have children. It appears (if you believe that they never had children) that they poured their lives into the Church instead. She made it clear that she didn't want to sway me one way or the other, she was just talking to me about her experience and her decision. She said that whatever we decide to do if we are unable to give birth to our own children, we have to be at complete peace with each other and with God with what we decide. She also relayed that she had lots of friends that adopted in order to fill a hole left by being infertile. Adopting will not fill that hole. She said "Nothing replaces having your own kids."

She also said she felt so happy when people told her "You would make a great parent." She also said "If you don't have your own kids, you can still invest your life into very special kids around you. Don't isolate yourself from children just because you may not be able to have your own." She told stories of she and her husband being able to watch other people's children, even staying overnight at their homes if need be. She also described how she and her husband are legal guardians to about 10 children in case anything happens to their parents. S. also talked about how she was able to take care of an older woman with cancer, and rather than being a "stay at home mother" she's been using her time to care for and encourage people in the church.

She made it very clear that whenever someone is able to have a child, they need to rejoice, because that child is a great gift. She said that she is content, and she truly knows that God is enough for her. She made it clear that she still gets upset and still cries (even now as women her age are becoming grandparents) but God has shown Himself that He is Enough.

the weirdness

2006-01-23T18:54:00.000-06:00

I am starting to feel depressed again. Went to the gym this morning and weighed 279. This is upsetting because I feel as if I've been working out more than I have in a long time. It's a strange cycle because I work out but feel very, very tired after just small bursts of exercise.

Am I fooling myself? Am I really not doing very much? Donald and I met with an introductory group for Crown Financial Ministries to help us with budgeting and our finances. This week the homework is to do a budget of previous spending and then a budget of what we hope for when Donald has a job.

Bob D. warned me not to get too overworked and lose my current job. I would prefer to just work a lot but I know that it's harder to have a balanced life.

I am hopeful about the money thing, my job is starting a weight watchers group that is $144.00 for 12 weeks. The Crown Financial Ministries is $55.00 for 10 weeks.

I feel as if I've thrown so much money at my weight and my health I am really, really sick of it. I am not binge eating any more like I used to, but it's still frustrating that I don't see any results at all. I do feel better, and I've been without my medications for at least 3 or 4 months, but I am just upset that my weight keeps creeping up.

It's a lifelong battle, but I'm finding it very frustrating. I don't struggle with alcohol or drugs, but this food thing is making me very, very angry. I don't want to be at work, I don't want to be at home, and over the past couple weeks I've felt very depressed again. I used to like to go work out, but now I hate it cause it doesn't make me feel better...it just makes me feel tired. I would like to go to the doctor, but we have no money to go to the doctor.

I left my Bible at home. I'm going to look up some scripture on www.gospelcom.net . I'll spare you all any more of my bad attitude.

beginning running again

2006-01-18T13:17:00.000-06:00

Last night I was at work & there are electronic announcement boards. There were 6 new babies born to employees the last couple of weeks.

My friend R. is now a grandma. Her youngest daughter had a baby on January 16th. I didn't even know she was pregnant, and I don't know if she's married. Robin and I haven't talked much lately because R.'s been going to school to become a physician's assistant. She mentioned she had to visit her daughter in January; I didn't realize because she was due with a baby.

I had coffee with the pastor's wife yesterday. We had a very, very good talk. Some of what we talked about was reaching out when you're hurting, because people don't always know to call you. People don't read minds. She suggested I meet with a good friend of hers who is probably 55 and is married, and has never had children. When I called this woman to see if I could meet with her about her struggles with infertility, I felt like such a jerk. Basically I was asking "Hey, can you share your story with me, even though it probably feels like a knife in your heart?" I thanked her for agreeing to meet with me; I didn't know what else to say when she started crying on the phone.

What do these stories have in common? I don't know. Two different things I found out in one day. God had two completely different paths for these women: an unwed mother and a married woman who chose not to adopt when they were unable to have children.

My pastor's wife said something very good: she said all things must force us to throw ourselves at God's feet. All things come into our lives to mold us, to shape us, to build us up. We may petition God, He may not do what we ask, but we must ask Him and admit we are needy of Him.

Where does the running come in? Well, after hearing about R.'s daughter and the 6 new babies at work I just wanted to throw myself out the window. I can't describe it: I'm not mad at people for having children. I guess I'm mad because I'm not the one getting the attention, I'm not the one on maternity leave, I'm not the one getting baby showers, who knows what my deal is. Maybe I'm selfish & jealous.

I was walking out of the restroom at work after reading R.'s email about her daughter and seeing the electronic board flash by another "Congratulations to the newest member of the Farmer's family!" I won't lie, I muttered to myself "F***, I need to start running again. I need something else to do"

I started the beginning runner's program again. I am going to work up to 5k and then a marathon, which has been one of my life's goals.

1. play piano
2. learn to paint oil
3. run a marathon
4. learn to play the organ

I need something else to think about besides babies. It's making me nuts.

needs versus wants

2006-01-13T19:20:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking all week about this. Do I need fancy face cleaners from Dermalogica? The reason I buy them is because I get acne fairly easily. I hate acne. I've tried Mary Kay, Neutrogena, Avon, prescription medication....none work as well as this stuff. On average, however, in layman's terms the stuff is about $30 bucks a bottle. You've got your cleaner, your mask, a toner, moisturizer, foundation. Now, foundation is part of skin care. It protects and provides sunblock. The foundation I bought is J.Iradale. It's $40 a container. Should last 6-8 months. I figured all this out...rationalized all this down to a dollar a day.

Now. I love my gym. It's a women's gym. I've been going nearly every day for the passed 3 weeks. Have only lost a few pounds. Do I stop going to the gym because of money? Do I stubbornly keep going?

I try to work overtime whenever I can. I am unable to make our budget work on our own. I am meeting with someone on Saturday at 4pm, well, I should say we, my husband is going with me.

I wonder why I bother with this blog. I probably spit in the face of what a Christian Woman is supposed to be like. I feel pulled in one direction, and pulled in another. I'm supposed to be a good steward of my body, but I can't afford the gym, skin care, all this stuff that I have put down in the need category, that most people look at as wants.

I am going to give these things up because I must, but I am very, very angry.

5 years of marriage

2006-01-06T23:58:00.000-06:00

Well, I feel silly, almost forgot to post on this one!

Wedding anniversaries are strange things. They aren't a birthday, though it feels like a birthday. Not a lot of people remember anniversaries, though. Usually Donald's folks and grandparents send us a card or call us, or even just email us.

You don't get gifts for an anniversary, but people usually do something to commemorate the occassion.

I cleaned the bathroom. My husband has been working on selling things on ebay. We watched a bunch of "Firefly" episodes on Sci Fi channel. Nothing terribly exciting.

Donald is still working on ebay, and I'm going to look up some more facts on adoption. I just ended another month of "NOT BEING PREGNANT"

Is there a checklist I need to fill out? I feel as if there is. 1) I'm overweight. can't be pregnant with that problem. I mean, not the usual overweight, but BIG TIME 2) My husband and I struggle with spending too much money, and spending money on things we don't need. Obviously, we've messed up there. The poor kid wouldn't have food or clothes to speak of. 3) Speaking of mess! My husband and I aren't the neatest people in the world. Obviously, no one would place a child in our care 4) My husband and I can't even agree on how long we've been trying. Donald states it's only been a few month. I say it's been 3 years. I've agreed that "trying" to him means keeping track of cycles on a small computer or the rhythm method to track cycles. To me, it's been not using birth control. That's been at least two or three years.

I wonder if my blog is just a bunch of whining. How is God in charge of all this? How can I get my head around the fact that He's sovereign over all this? How do I explain this to people?

Nightmare #2

2006-01-06T23:49:00.000-06:00

Somehow, I have been kidnapped with a group of children. These children are not my own. They are my friend's children, or children of acquaintances. Someone has kidnapped us. A man in his mid-sixties. I don't see his face throughout most of it. The children and I plot our survival. What food & water we must ration. How we must behave to keep from being killed. The final scene, The Kidnapper drags us all to this balcony. The balcony is always cement. The weather can vary. Most times, it is sunny. He is wearing some kind of sport jacket, a beard. He is holding a rifle, threatening to kill us. Most times, I imagine that I have worked out a plan with some of the older kids to help rescue them. I cut the kids shirts so that they can rip out of them easier. When The Kidnapper makes his move to grab a child to hold him up to the crowd on display, I command the kid to pull out of the Kidnapper's grib. The child wriggles free. I run, tackle the Kidnapper, pushing him over the edge of the balcony. Sometimes, I live. Sometimes I die. The Kidnapper always dies. It feels so real to wrap my forearm around and choke him. I always kill him on the way falling down to the ground. This dream is especially upsetting to me because The Kidnapper looks like my father. I think I should search and see if anyone has an opinion on what these reoccurring dreams might mean.

nightmare #1

2005-12-31T17:28:00.000-06:00

Clouds are sinking so low on the horizon it looks as if you could run straight into them. There is a wall of black in all directions, so thick it appears like smoke. Rain, sleet, hail...unsure what type of precipitation is falling.

West, straight west, there is a line of pine trees that was planted when I was young. It's only about a half mile from the Mississippi. Beyond the row of trees is where it always appears.

Ironically, my dream is always quiet. I dream in color, and I usually dream with loud sound effects and music.

When the tornado hits the ground, it isn't a wiry, small thin line of cloud. It's the entire sky, swallowing up the landscape, the pine trees, electric poles. It swallows it all upward, swirling, and I imagine the entire world is being swallowed by this large tornado.

Always, I am running, gathering animals; dogs, cats, horses, cattle. Yelling at my family to take cover in the storm shelter in the back of the old farmhouse.

Nevermind that the old farmhouse burnt down years ago, nor that my siblings are all in their twenties. They are always 10, 8, & 6 in my dreams. Sometimes younger. My parents are sometimes there, sometimes not. I'm always trying to gather up my siblings though.

Usually I wake up somewhere around the gathering. Unlike my other nightmare I always have (nightmare #2) I do not wake up in a panic. I wake up calm, because my dream was so quiet, even thought I was panicked inside.

new schedule and weight update

2005-12-30T14:26:00.000-06:00

My new schedule is to go to the gym at noon, work out for 30-40 minutes, hit the steam room, then go to work at 1:30pm to be there by 2:30. Though I've left most days later than I would like, it's worked out pretty well.

My weight is at 278.00 I feel like punching someone. Namely, myself. I've been eating better, but I still want to eat a lot when I get home from work at 11pm. I honestly feel hungry.

I want to do some research on this.

I think my period is on it's way...
...remind me to blog about the nightmares I keep having. It's almost the same nightmare, changes slightly.

bills make my brain hurt....

2005-12-17T17:32:00.000-06:00

One of my girlfriends from church, Shawn B., has adopted 2 girls from China. I talked to her last summer about adoption and the infertility struggle. She suggested a website from Campus Crusade for Christ, called FamilyLife. I decided to take my friend Jamie's suggestion (she's so wise, even if she is a year younger than me :-D ) and seek people IN the church to help me with this struggle. I am going to ask Donald if we can pray with some elders after Church tomorrow.

The Weber family, who minister with FamilyLife, list 4 reasons misperceptions Christians have that keep them from adopting. [from their August 2005 newsletter]:
1. Adoption is a complicated process with confusing laws
2. I will not be able to love an adopted child like a biological child
3. I am afraid of problems adopted children may have down the road
4. Only people with about $20,000 in extra cash sitting around can actually adopt.

I must admit I have struggled with these same concerns. I am ready to look into adoption, and I am trying to gather all the resources and support I can. Unfortunately, an adopted baby isn't going to just "show up" on my doorstep: this will take deliberate planning and follow through.

Not having much money is an intimidating thought. As I'm going through our debts and our bills, it scares me to no end to think if we don't have enough money to support ourselves, how are we going to support a child??

Bills....

2005-12-17T14:18:00.000-06:00

I am downstairs, in the basement, sitting in front of my computer tackling stacks and stacks of bills. This drives me nuts. Whenever life is very difficult (ie my father is deathly ill) I can more easily turn to God. I know that I've got no where else to go. However, when the mundane things...bills....money problems....overeating issues....these things seem to pull me away from God. I think that I'm in charge and I should be able to just fix these things.

Where does my responsibility end? Where do I need to step up and where do I need to just let God take over? He is Sovereign, yet I am still supposed to live in such a way that honors Him, and not just float by letting things happen.

I have been in a foul mood for about a month. I am hoping I wake up and realize how important Jesus is and get my priorities straight.

Not pregnant what does church have to do with it?

2005-12-05T21:28:00.000-06:00

I have been very upset the past couple days. Not weepy, just mad. Wanting to boot-kick my cats and punch my walls mad.

I started my period yesterday, and I really thought this time we might be pregnant. Now, I guess we get to start the doctor visits together and the checkouts and see what is going on with our bodies.

I don't think it's appropriate that my hubby is asking for money on his blog, but maybe I'll use mine to ask for a baby.

I've been very, very down. I'm getting worried about the things I'm thinking about. Between this and having to work a lot, I am very drained. I feel as if no one cares, even though I know that's a selfish, random thought.

Whenever I go through rough times, I always wonder where my church is. I guess that's just me being selfish, that I should consider how I can help and serve others. I feel like since I don't have cancer or I am not jobless I don't matter. I feel as if we're all alone in this infertility/weight/money issue, and since they're not 'serious' no one at the church pays attention. Is that what a church is for? Do I need to call them and say 'hey, I feel like running my car off the road?'
Would they even listen? I feel as if I email my pastors and they really don't seem to care to check up on us. Is that wrong for me to feel bitter and mad? Should we seek another church? Is it my problem because I don't seek out and check on others???

I wish there was a magic pill....

2005-11-30T19:35:00.000-06:00

I really wish there was a magic pill for my weight and for money. I know that I get myself into a lot of my own problems, but I can never get out of them as easily as I get into them.

God promises to clothe and care for us...that we shouldn't worry about what we're going to wear, where we will live, money....we are more valuable than the birds of the air, yet our Heavenly Father feeds and clothes them. If God has already given us our most precious possession, His son, what else will He withhold?

Nothing.

Nothing, however, is what I feel like I have. Even though I don't spend my money on prostitutes and gambling, I buy fast food to help myself feel better. I run through a drive-in at 11pm at night because I'm stressed. I sometimes dream about running away and leaving all of my problems behind....but I can't. I'm here, my husband promises that he's with me through all this junk, and I know God's Word. Sometimes I feel as if I'm reaching out and there is Nothing.

We're having to pare down our life a lot. Since March, when I started at my new job, we let our spending get out of control. We've been poor our entire married life, and when we started to make a lot of money, I really overspent. I'm doing overtime every opportunity that comes up. I am going to miss the Old Fashioned Horse parade on Saturday so I can work. I am very tired, and I'm typing this on my lunch break, because I'm frustrated.

I want to get my hair done, my nails done, shop for clothes, get good coffee every morning, not have to budget or fret about what I'm spending. I sound like a spoiled child. I don't want to worry, but I do. I know worrying won't add a single moment to the rest of my life.

I hate these periods. When things aren't awful, but they're just bad enough I'm afraid I can see ourselves homeless. That one of these days the bank is going to pull up and take everything away because I've been such a bad person. I feel as if all of these money woes are my fault, and all I can do is keep working more and more to get myself out of the mess we're in.

I pray for guidance and wisdom in financial decisions. I pray that I would love God more than I love food and more than I love money and more than I love anyone else.

I have been moody, crying, nauseous, sore, mad, angry, happy, sleepy. If I am not pregnant, I sincerely wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I know that this life isn't as important as the life to come, but since I realized I had to give up piano lessons I've been wanting to kick someone in the head. I have also been really mad about the horse parade. These choices, however, are my fault. I need to be grounded or sent to my room, put my nose to the grindstone, and make up for all the dumb mistakes I've made this year.

Is this what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to dig myself out of my own mess? I know that I can't do anything on my own, that God knows what I'm going through, but at what point does He give up? At what point does He discipline me most severely because I've made my own mistakes, I've created my own problems. Does God have anything to do with things that are completely seemingly in my control, these things that I've done wrong?

getting back to regular life

2005-11-29T09:37:00.000-06:00

Well, it's always hard coming back from vacation....especially when work is absolutely nuts when you return!
Our time with Jamie & Jacob and family was very, very fun. (Though tiring!) It's neat the certain friends that you just instantly pick up where you left off without effort.

Yesterday, went to do weights at the gym. I weighed myself, 273. I have had some good eating days and bad eating days while I was at Jamie & Jacob's, but overall good days. I ate a lot of carrots, apples, and drank a lot of water.

I struggle when my blood sugar dips. I feel so crummy when it's low I can't even think. In order to combat that, I have to eat protein throughout the day, and a mix of fruits and veggies. For a long time I would eat meat only once a week, but to feel good, I really have to eat it more often.

I'm upset because our one cat India was gone all night in the freezing cold and she hasn't returned. I am worried that something happened to her.

See the pretty pictures?!?!

2005-11-19T22:40:00.000-06:00

My wonderful husband is being so kind as to add some artwork to my site to make it more personal. Also, I am planning on posting some type of podcast of my piano playing and song writing. Also, some sites are in the works for artwork as well.

I feel as if I've shoved myself full forward into the computer age!

My friend Jamie

2005-11-18T19:04:00.000-06:00

I really enjoy Jamie's posts on her blog.... she has this wonderful quote on the end of all her emails as well...

The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing. But in our culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture. -- Doug Phillips

As Donald and I struggle with infertility, the issue of children has been even more poignant. In our society as a whole, we want to be in control of when we have kids and when we don't have kids. I really think the article in Christianity Today about birth control that Jamie references in right on......

Can't wait to see her and her family next week!

Piano and the Artist in me

2005-11-10T11:25:00.000-06:00

I find myself happiest when I am being an artist. my job is a Spanish Translator for Farmers Insurance. However, I have been so tickled this week by painting my kitchen and painting a mural in the bathroom of ivy. I miss working in theatre....I miss being a stage manager and staying up all night building imaginary houses.

We are going to visit my good friend Jamie and her family for Thanksgiving. They have four kids, all young, so that should be a lot of fun! Other friends of ours just had a baby girl on Saturday, so even though we haven't been able to have kids yet, there are lots of kids around us we can 'share.' Sometimes I really want to move back to Illinois to be closer to my college friends. Sometimes I can't bear the thought of leaving my church and my friends here. We will have to see....I know there is a Farmer's office in Aurora, illinois, and so I'm partially hoping that my job makes the decision for me.

successful day

2005-11-07T21:28:00.000-06:00

Good day/weekend painting the house. Will write more later.

the beginning of losing

2005-10-08T10:37:00.000-06:00

I have been feeling a little odd...I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and I am still at 270 pounds. I am 5'4", which means I am in the obese category. I did weights yesterday (a variety of arms and legs) and today 20 minutes of cardio. I got my heart rate up to 160 beats per minute. An article on the wall of the gym gives a formula on how many calories to eat to lose weight....my calorie intake should be 1750 daily to safely lose weight. I have eaten 2 chocolate chip muffins today, each 450 calories, so I've already eaten 900 calories, which leaves 850 left for the rest of the day. I have done Weight Watchers, which boils down calories and fat into points & makes it simpler to keep track. I am determined to lose this weight for my health, and use this blog to track and stay accountable to what I'm doing. I doubt anyone is reading my blog, but it will be a good picture of my transformation. I will post pictures as soon as I'm able....I was so upset when I saw the wedding pictures at my brother-in-law's wedding and the way I looked. I just looked so huge! I miss when I weighed 180 pounds when my husband and I got married. I still had weight to lose, but I felt so much better. I lost 40 pounds (went from 222 to 180) from doing a program called Weigh Down. Gwen Shamblin has since started her own Church (a cult really: Remnant Fellowship. They do not believe in the Trinity, which is a fundamental Christian belief) so my church doesn't really want me teaching classes with her materials. I have gotten involved with Thin Within, a Christian weight loss system that started before Weigh Down did, but has a lot of the same principles. I am a member so I can access all the content, and I am seeing a counselor, Emma W., who deals with eating disorders. It's been helpful. Every little change makes a difference, so even though I'm not seeing results, I need to trust that they are going to show up!

Wanting a baby to hold

2005-10-03T00:26:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was sitting at Drew and Andrea's rocking myself in their big chair in the living room. I just had this sudden urge that I needed something to hold, that there was a baby in my arms that was going to appear out of thin air. I just couldn't even believe how real it felt and how much I wanted to cry. I just sat there, staring off into space, feeling out of it and feeling so overwhelmingly sad and amazed. Why do I all of a sudden want a baby that I can almost feel him/her in my arms? How odd. It's an amazing, strange, and sad feeling, and I'm not sure what to do with it.

Anne Steele hymn

2005-09-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

1. Thou lovely source of true delight
Whom I unseen adore
Unveil thy beauties to my sight
That I might love Thee more,
Oh that I might love Thee more

2. Thy glory o’er creation shines
But in Thy sacred Word
I read, in fairer, brighter lines
My bleeding, dying Lord,
See my bleeding, dying Lord

3. ’Tis here, whene’er my comforts droop
And sin and sorrow rise
Thy love with cheering beams of hope
My fainting heart supplies,
My fainting heart’s supplied

4. But ah! Too soon the pleasing scene
Is clouded o’er with pain
My gloomy fears rise dark between
And I again complain,
Oh and I again complain

5. Jesus, my Lord, my life, my light
Oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night
And chase my fears away,
Won’t You chase my fears away

6. Then shall my soul with rapture trace
The wonders of thy love
But the full glories of thy face
Are only known above, They are only known above

I saw indeliable grace last night as Grace EPC. (my church....) very, very lovely worship time. I have missed worshiping and being at church. It is my anchor I most hold to.