On the edge of a cliff and Ready to Fly

MOVING MY BLOG

2007-03-24T10:43:00.001-06:00

Please note, my blog has a new home ->

http://blog.salsburygallery.com/

If you're reading this blog by RSS feed, please update !

for the hubby

2007-03-17T14:53:00.000-06:00

yes, it's cute

home sick w/ an earache; prayer request

2007-03-13T16:53:00.000-06:00

I am home sick today with an earache. I was hoping that I would feel a little bit better to do some more packing, but I don't feel like it! Hey, I took a shower....that's a bonus.

I have been super worried because my husband leaves tomorrow for Las Vegas to visit some friends. I am just worried about the flights, etc. I know God is in control, but I just am very worried about it. I can't think of the last time one of us has flown without the other!

May God have the glory whatever happens, I'm still worried sick about it. I keep having nightmares about a plane crash. Good grief, I feel like I'm losing it! Anyhoo, someone tell me something to make me feel better.

Funny things you find using "Stumble Upon" from Firefox

2007-03-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

This is one of those things. Hilarious!

Funny thing I said last night

2007-02-26T22:37:00.000-06:00

This story was told to me by my husband. Remember, Cowboy is our cat.

My husband came home from work last night, and I had taped the academy awards. However, the tape ran out right before they were going to announce who won the award for best picture. I was asleep, and my husband asked me who won for best picture. I said "Cowboy." A little bit later he asked me again, and I said "Cowboy." Finally, after a little bit, he asked again, and I said "The departed." He had to check online anyway just to make sure that I wasn't delusional.

We do own the best cat in the world, but I don't think he'll be winning any academy awards....

Chaos & progress

2007-02-26T22:31:00.000-06:00

Our garage is almost pretty enough to eat off the floor, there are boxes stacked up on tables in the garage, all the wallpaper is off in the kitchen and we are trying to take the glue off, there are cans of paint and paint materials on another table in the garage, we have a full curb of junk, I am putting out bags and boxes of usable stuff we don't need for the Vietnam Veterans association to pick up, I have packed a lot of the photos from our living room, there are scraps of wallpaper all over the kitchen and tracked into the living room, our house is full of so many liquor store boxes it looks like we need an intervention.

Harvest Brown is the new popular neutral. (710-D) Which we are going to use to paint a few rooms in our house. Check it!

When I get my hubby (hint hint) to post some photos on my blog, you won't have to use your imagination.

packing the first boxes

2007-02-13T10:48:00.000-06:00

It's making the moving thing more real...packed up just a couple of boxes this weekend. My husband is taking a vacation day Sat Feb 24 to help me paint the house (and we might recruit a couple friends.) We've lived here since we've been married, so it's a little weird that we're finally getting ready to move out.

There seems to be so much to do, but it's been helpful to just tell myself we can only do one thing at a time.

Date w/ Realtor

2007-01-29T08:55:00.000-06:00

Set a date with our realtor, Randy, for Wed. Feb 14, 2007. We're going to have him check out the house to see what needs to be done to get it ready to sell.

I was thinking about everything we've done to improve our duplex:
*over the hood microwave *new windows *exterior paint *sump pump *fireplace doors *some interior paint *landscaping *new kitchen faucet and repaired bathroom faucets

What is left? Floors are a wreck, roof will need replacement sometime soon, deck in back isn't so great, interior painting and wallpaper removal.

My in-laws suggested before we get into repainting and heavy remodeling to have the Realtor come over and check everything out first to see what needs to be done. Last time he came over he said we should make the front look nice, which we've done with the new windows and paint.

My husband and I were working the budget and have been talking about moving, it's stressful to think about. I am praying that God would open doors and shut doors. Sometimes, I don't know how to pray about life changes. I just barge ahead with what I think is right, and I pray for God to stop me or make it very clear if I'm taking the wrong direction. It's so hard sometimes with those gray areas that aren't laid out in Scripture. I know I'm not supposed to commit adultery, murder in my heart, or covet. However, I am not so sure on do we move now to be closer to work to save money on gas and time, or do we wait a little bit until more of our debt is paid off? Or, do we move sooner rather than later so we can put the saved gas money and travel into our debt?

I need to remind myself God is in charge

Funniest SNL Sketch ever

2007-01-28T10:26:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I'm a monster

2007-01-21T08:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes with this whole infertility thing I am calm, cool, and collected. Take last weekend for example. Two members of our "covenant group" (like a Bible Study) are pregnant. Most of the night's conversation consisted of breast feeding. I enjoyed the conversation, I wasn't ready to cry, and I didn't say anything rude. One of the pregnant ladies at the beginning of the night asked me about how the adoption process was going, which was nice. I talked a little bit about how I feel badly because China says you can't adopt their children if you're overweight or on anti-depressents. I enjoyed listening to their mommy stories, and I didn't get mad and leave. I was quite amazed at God's grace to me, because that was a particularly hard thing to do, especially since my husband was not with me.

I skip that covenant group sometimes just because I can't handle being around people with kids, because inevitably the conversation turns to birth stories and pregnancy stories. Sometimes, I just want to scream at people and ask them what their problem is. One of my husband's friends, after he told him he was adopting, said "So, you've given up on having one of your own?" WHAT? You mean adopted kids won't be our own? Now, this friend has rubbed me the wrong way the whole time in this adoption process. When I first mentioned to him about adoption, (this was a year or two ago) he said "No, this is way too early for you to think about adoption, there is a lot of other things you need to do first before you adopt, there are lots of fertility clinics around." Okay, Master of my universe. I will get right on that, whatever you say.

So, with him, I'm already on edge, and I am always expecting nasty things to come out of his mouth as far as adoption. I really need to pray more, because whenever he says anything, the monster in me wants to come out and just lay it on him. It's as if he is the master of every adoption cliche that any of us have ever heard. Do you have any ideas for how to respond to this friend?

Friday I went to work and I was in a sassy mood. I have been pretty quiet about the adoption thing, only my husband's family and a few close friends know. I am tired of listening to other people talk about their pregnancies, how they can't sleep at night, and how they heard the baby's heart beat, etc. (I have one pregnant lady that sits by me and another that is friends with someone that is by me, so I hear them both talking all the time.) I want people to know we're going to be getting a baby in a year or maybe a little more! I told my boss, all my co-workers that we're going to start the adoption process once we get moved to Olathe. I asked my boss if it was okay for me to take a photo of myself at work for our home study, he said that was great. Cindy, the same teammate who said that I should adopt a Mexican baby so I could speak with it in Spanish, said "It's exciting. It's like you're expecting a baby but it's just a little different. You're doing it this way rather than getting pregnant." Man, I love that lady. She's only 22 or so but she has said some great things that have made me feel better.

Yep, I'm expecting. We're expecting. And if I need to listen to you tell me stories about breast feeding and how many hours you were in labor, you're going to get stories on paperwork and adoption milestones.

I don't feel like being quiet about this anymore! We're adopting!

slow

2007-01-14T13:09:00.000-06:00

Well, haven't gotten an email response from the lawyer, and, frankly, haven't made time to call her. My husband and I are attempting to pay off some debt and discussing getting a lot of our personal belongings in a storage unit. My 30th birthday is in march, so I'm taking a week off that week. All extra furniture needs to be out of here by then so I can repaint!

I guess I get so overwhelmed when I look at all the information we've gotten from various adoption agencies...I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Moving and getting our home ready to sell and organizing our finances is all I can focus on right now.

It doesn't help that almost every night I'm dreaming about babies or children. When I imagine our future children, I imagine adopting older children that I'm speaking Spanish with, isn't that strange? My husband wants to adopt a baby (and I guess I do too) but really, I think I would like an older child.

emailed the lawyer!

2006-12-30T19:36:00.000-06:00

I know it's the weekend, and the adoption lawyer wasn't in, so I went ahead and emailed her! I have been anxious all weekend, thinking about kids and babies....My husband told me that he was dreaming about babies last night as well. He dreamt that someone from work told him that they knew several moms that needed to give up their babies. I think it's been weighing heavily on our hearts and minds, especially around the holiday season.

I feel so much better doing something rather than just waiting. I blog because I want to talk to other women (and hubbies) who have been there, from all over. I don't feel so alone, and when I hear about moms and their kiddos it gives me hope to keep going and keep plugging away at this big mountain.

Isn't it strange, how weeks will go by, and you won't feel anxious and depressed about infertility, but sometimes it's like this unbearable weight that all you can think about? This week has felt like a ton of bricks. I hate it.

Someone near my cubicle at work is pregnant, so sometimes I hear all my coworkers asking her questions "when are you due, how are you feeling?" etc. I'm happy for people that are expecting, and I pray everything goes well, but I just can't be around pregnant people (which has always been hard at my church...since it's so large, there is always someone or multiple people I know that are pregnant).

Also, whenever groups of women get together, they, naturally, want to talk about children, childbirth, and they compare notes about who had the worst labor, the worst morning sickness, and how busy they are with their children. I just have to walk away from the discussion. I feel like Bridget Jones sometimes, in that scene where she is the only single person in a group of married people, and they look at her as if she is such a weirdo for not being married. I guess we all go through periods in our lives where we feel odd, left out, going through life at a little different pace than everyone else.

A co-worker didn't realize I was married, and she asked me how long I have been married. I answered "6 years in January." Then comes the inevitable question "So, are you guys not going to have kids or you don't want to have kids?" When she asked, it didn't hurt as much as it normally does when people ask me that question. I just said, happily and proudly, "No, we're going to adopt!" Then, she said something I thought was so cute. She's on my team, and all of us speak Spanish in our job. She said "You should adopt a little Mexican baby, there are so many in orphanages, then you can speak Spanish with it!" I didn't point out the fact that most babies don't speak...I just was so tickled that she was just happy for me, and then she said "Man, I would love to adopt kids, I need to get going on that, too! There are just so many kids that need good homes!"

So, if you seek any babies that speak Spanish that need good homes, you know who to refer them to!

bleh

2006-12-29T16:54:00.000-06:00

Well, another month has come and gone. I am planning on calling the adoption attorney sometime next week. I keep putting it off because I think to myself "maybe I'm pregnant!" So I wait, thinking I am, and then get disappointed. I want off the roller coaster!

some things I've wanted to say....

2006-12-11T10:28:00.000-06:00

MY HUSBAND

He is the most wonderful man in the world. We have had a rough year this year (or, the past two years.) We've struggled with infertility, I've gained weight, battled depression. He worked two jobs for a period of time while he was looking for a new full-time position. He's been taking computer classes and is currently working a job that he enjoys, but he knows he doesn't want to be there forever.

This fertility deal is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I have had periods of feeling envious of people who have been able to get more easily pregnant, I think to myself "Thank you, Jesus, for not allowing that woman to suffer with infertility. Thank you, Lord, that You are in control of the womb and you bless women with children." It has really turned my heart around; I know God gives this to us for whatever reason, and He, in His sovereignty, has chosen this for us.

Anyway, I am grateful for infertility right now because it's shown me the character of my husband. I have always been afraid of marrying a man that wouldn't stick by me. My husband has been my greatest hero: he has been a rock during this whole process. He has been supportive, caring, and not placed blame on me for us not being able to get pregnant. When I realized how much weight I had gained, and there was no physiological reason for it (ie, I've gained weight the good ol' fashioned way, eating too much and not exercising enough), I was really afraid for our relationship and our marriage.

My husband has been encouraging me to lose weight, but he's never blamed me, never mistreated me, never called me names or threatened to leave. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world.

Like I said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm grateful that God has shown me how wonderful my husband is throughout this. I am so very, very thankful for that.

less depressed

2006-12-03T12:02:00.000-06:00

I didn't realize how depressed I've been about not being able to get pregnant, yes, I've gained a lot of weight, been lethargic, not wanting to do anything...but I feel better knowing someday, after a lot of paperwork and commitment, we can do this adoption thing. More later!

direction

2006-11-22T18:30:00.000-06:00

Last night we met with the couple, D. & K., who domestically adopted through an attorney in Kansas City.

After talking with them, and listening to their stories, we are really feeling as if domestic adoption through an attorney, rather than an agency, is the way we want to pursue adoption.

We will take some time to pray and talk more about it, but it feels good to at least have pinned something down.

I will wait until after the holidays to start some of this....It's been an emotional roller-coaster. Man!

meeting on Tuesday

2006-11-18T09:47:00.000-06:00

Through our adoption support group at church, we've been introduced to a couple who has domestically adopted through an attorney in Kansas City. She mentioned how the attorney has worked with birth mothers to arrange the adoptions.

Very excited about this meeting...I am glad that we are on the same page about which way we want to go in the adoption process. There are so many decisions to make, I'm glad we've at least narrowed it down to domestic.

We've been in contact with our local Foster Care adoption worker (through adoptUSKids). Her name is Alex. She's suggested that maybe if we move in the middle of the process we may need to redo our homestudies or retake some classes.

However, I think right now we're leaning towards domestic adoption from an attorney or private agency, not necessarily through Foster Care, but that may change. It will be a good meeting on Tuesday!

My husband also met someone from work that knows someone who adopted from Olathe, Kansas. It's so cool how God is putting all these different people in our lives, I don't feel so alone!

feeling quiet

2006-11-14T06:10:00.000-06:00

Saturday the 5k went well, I completed it in 55 minutes. (I took a short cut, and that's the time I would have had if I stuck with the group that finished at 55 minutes). So, I can only get better, right?

The adoption meeting was tough, I just feel so tired and upset by the whole thing. We've decided on domestic adoption, we're still looking for an adoption agency. I'm going to be calling a few and seeing if we can start the paperwork now before we move, or if it would really make it easier to start it all when we move to Olathe.

Honestly, I am just tired of this cycle of 1) waiting 2) hoping 3) being disappointed. I would rather be working towards something. We know we're not doing any more fertility treatment, and I am just tired of hoping something magical will happen. Maybe it will, who knows!

So, we have a lot of packets from various agencies...I'm talking to someone from church to see if she knows anyone who has adopted domestically, as a lot of folks in our church have adopted internationally. I am sure a lot of the processes are the same, but it would be good to get recommendations on what to look for in agencies.

Anyone have any suggestions?

Saturday is a big day

2006-11-09T06:56:00.000-06:00

Saturday at 7am we are walking in a 5k which supports the Zicker family orphan mission Fields of promise (on blogroll).

After that, our church is having their first ever "Adoption Support Group."

That night, we're going to a surprise 50th birthday party for a friend. So, it will be a busy day, but I'm hoping to make a large post on Saturday with everything I've learned from our church's adoption meeting.

happy treadmill day!

2006-11-04T15:54:00.000-06:00

Got the treadmill today! I used it for 15 minutes while dying my hair and watching animal planet. Boy, that was a sight!

Learned from Lori's Lines (on blogroll to the left) November is adoption month! Very, very cool.
I was telling my husband maybe the reason we haven't been able to have kids yet is because he is supposed to be a guardian for this young man with Down's Syndrome. I am always trying to see open doors where other doors are shut, maybe I'm must trying to be an optimist. I am hopeful that God will continue to guide us in that and let us know if we shouldn't do it just because of everything we've been going through already. Honestly, I am praying for a very, very shut door, mostly because it seems to me to make sense to be this young man's guardian.

God has been very good to us. Hubby and I have both gotten significant raises, which will help us pay of debt, buy a new house, and feel less stressed about the money we may need to spend on adoption.

One week until the meeting of the adoption support group at our church! I cannot wait! (Also the day of the 5k for Ethiopian orphans....my training has not been going so well as far as that is concerned.)

Fields of Promise 5k

2006-10-30T06:10:00.000-06:00

Registered my husband and I for a 5k Run (I will be walking) that benefits orphans in Ethiopia. After the run, the adoption group is meeting from church. It will be a day of learning about orphans!

I have been walking at 5am most mornings with a friend, last week it was only 1 day due to the rain. This coming week we should be purchasing a used treadmill.

I haven't weighed myself lately, I really don't want to see it! I am just praying that God would take away this desire to eat whenever I'm depressed or anxious.

My husband might be playing basketball tonight w/ the men's group. We have our budget to work on. Yesterday I did a bunch of laundry and paid bills. When did becoming an adult be so boring?

This is getting harder and harder to keep plugging away when month after month there is this roller coster of anticipation, a couple weeks of waiting, and then disappointment. We've tried all sorts of crazy "home methods" and "old wives tales," and we'll continue to do so. Nothing else to do while we're waiting to move into a bigger house, as we've decided we're not going to start filling out paperwork until we've moved. I have being so happy and hoping and then so disappointed. I just wish I could turn my emotions off or I wish I could be told that we're infertile, but there is nothing wrong, nothing to fix. It's just waiting, and when we get tired of waiting and nothing has happened, it's moving on to the next step.

very depressed day...

2006-10-28T19:31:00.000-06:00

I have been so very sad today. Until I found googlism on one of my sister's old blogs...

Made me smile!

Googlism for: jessie

jessie is a sweet bright lady
jessie is here
jessie is in the scrapbook
jessie is 10
jessie is happy again
jessie is a sweet
jessie is unstoppable
jessie is five
jessie is happy again it's just good to know you all are improving over there
jessie is capable of handling multiple executable commands simultaneously
jessie is also capable of handling multiple executable commands simultaneously
jessie is a profound master artist
jessie is upset because arbok is hurt and she saying "move that raticate he wants to bite our arbok" and look where james's hand is
jessie is a native of my hometown of prescott
jessie is
jessie is weakening
jessie is adorable
jessie is a cowgirl
jessie is a light colored neutered male
jessie is human
jessie is big on color
jessie is in need of a loving home in oh
jessie is creating a buzz within industry circles
jessie is actually fleurette's half
jessie is a *legend* between my sister and i
jessie is thirty
jessie is appointed department spokesperson
jessie is a full
jessie is a little perturbed by charlie's behaviour
jessie is charming young jessie
jessie is a flexible
jessie is being watched by the neighbors
jessie is obsessed with herself
jessie is hott
jessie is aware of things around him
jessie is at home
jessie is brave
jessie is travelling through
jessie is an approximately 5 year old neutered male border collie
jessie is a 2 year old bassethound/ labrador/something mix
jessie is an outstanding example of the german shepherd dog
jessie is kidnapped and begins the most horrendous adventure of his young life
jessie is now a hospital administrator at the very hospital jarrett works
jessie is having done in pre
jessie is scheduled to be spayed on sept
jessie is the focus of the majority of her own statements
jessie is your local
jessie is a bacon nut

New church adoption group

2006-10-28T11:21:00.000-06:00

November 11th our church is holding a 5k Run sponsoring Zicker Family missions (on my blogroll to the left) supporting orphans in Ethiopia. After the 5k run, a group of families from our church is going to discuss adoption. S., someone I've talked with off and on the past couple of years, is going to be one of the speakers on her adoption story. She and her husband adopted 2 girls from China.

S. came up to me at the women's brunch today just to make sure I knew about the meeting as I've been asking her a lot of questions. So, I am very excited about our church starting this "Heart of adoption" discussion time and group.

[the following is taken from my church's bulletin]

This coincides also with Family Life and Focus on the Family have teamed up with Shaohannah's hope as one voice to call the body of Christ to care for orphans. During the week of November 13th-17th both radio programs will be discussing adoption and orphans. They have also launched a new website, www.voiceoftheorphan.org

So, as we're gathering all our paperwork and gleaming information, I think this will be a good time. Waiting is difficult. At the women's brunch today there were 2 women with very young babies. I know it was selfish of me, but I had to get out of there. Lately, I've had a hard time talking with or seeing people with young babies. I guess I would have expected to be a mom by now, and it's difficult to watch people younger, or my age, with children.

However, the whole point of the brunch today was that life doesn't always turn out the way that we want it to. If God calls us through certain trials or certain circumstances, those are ours to bear. It is all meant to glorify Him and draw us closer to Him. Doesn't always mean it's going to be easy, but that is what He requires of us. The speaker played a Ginny Owen song today, and the lyrics are as follows:

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

It's such a pretty song, and it expresses a lot of the hurts we go through that we really don't understand. If that's what God requires of us, however, we need to be willing to go through it.

waiting

2006-10-20T21:02:00.000-06:00

jeez....how much of this kid stuff is just waiting? plugging along with normal life, then waiting....forging ahead a little more and waiting some more.

Things are on hold until we get moved to a bigger home closer to our jobs. Monday my hubby and I start our new jobs....we'll get to car pool together! We'll get to see each other so much we'll get sick of one another!!

I'm so excited and nervous. I can see growth and some things are "crossed off the list." I guess I'm impatient and wish the rest of it could get crossed off!

I gained some weight this week. BLAH. Friend of my husband is selling us his treadmill, I can't wait for that. How awesome would it be to use the treadmill while watching tv?

Monday I start walking with a friend every day at 5am. I am praying for lots of days of good weather....it makes exercise so much easier to do it with a friend rather than alone!

madonna adopted

2006-10-13T13:51:00.000-06:00

I just heard a blurb about Madonna adopting. Do celebrities just pay people off to get children? (ie Angelina Jolie). It just seems like they suddenly go to a foreign country and pick up a child. Do they have to do all the paperwork, all the background checks, etc. to get approved to adopt? Or do they just get to do it?

On the braces thing, it's a medical deal because I have been grinding my teeth at night which is causing pain and headaches and the dentist thinks straigtening my teeth will help. It may not solve it, if it doesn't, I may need a mouthguard anyway. So, I'll have to see!